Spicy Midlife Women: Real Talk, Raw Truth, and Bold Moves for Women Over 40

14. 5 Ideas to Make Genuine Connections in Midlife

• Jules and Michele: Midlife Mentors • Episode 14

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In this episode of Spicy Midlife Women, Jules and Michele dive into the challenges and opportunities of building meaningful relationships in midlife, when priorities shift and unexpected loneliness can emerge even among established social circles. They share practical strategies for creating authentic connections that truly nourish the soul.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

• The importance of starting with self-connection
• The benefits of seeking shared interest communities like book clubs, hiking groups, or hobby-centered meetups to find like-minded people
• How to focus on quality over quantity in relationships
• The importance of releasing old relationship baggage through forgiveness
• Being the initiator rather than waiting for invitations
• How to recognize that vulnerability and deeper conversations are key to building trust in new and existing relationships

Are you ready to take your "spiciness" to the next level?!

Connect with Julee & Michele on Instagram @spicy_midlife_women and send a DM about what resonated most during this episode so they can encourage you with steps forward in your own life.

Speaker 1:

Yo, all you spicy midlife women. This is Jules and Michelle. Here we are your two midlife women from the Pacific Northwest, seattle Washington, sharing our real life stories with you and having no BS conversations about all the shit surrounding midlife. What do you think, michelle? Oh my gosh.

Speaker 2:

And there's a lot of it, right? Yes, here to help all you midlife women redefine your relationships, ditch those toxic cycles and reclaim your power. One episode at a time, let's get into it, Michelle, yeah here we go. What are we talking about today? Today, I'm excited about this one. Yeah, well, because we're going to talk about five ways to build meaningful relationships in midlife.

Speaker 1:

Okay, I think that actually is a very good summary of what we're going to be doing. So just off the cuff, or off the beat, I guess off the bat off of one of those things. Midlife, as we all know, is a season of incredible growth. I mean we are looking at things from a different perspective, in that we are starting to transition to different priorities in our life and to different focuses and things of that nature.

Speaker 2:

I think unexpected loneliness comes into play.

Speaker 1:

Huge yeah, I think that definitely plays a role, because not everybody that we're around is transitioning around the same time. A lot of people are really set in the things that they're doing the way that they're doing them, and you might not be so you're doing things that work well for you, but it might put you in a position where you feel like you're kind of on your own, I think too, because sometimes our friends are moving, priorities tend to shift and it can be harder and harder to find real soul-nourishing connections.

Speaker 1:

You know what I mean. Yeah, and I think that's why you end up with a tribe, like we talk about it or an inner circle that is small. Because even if you have an inner circle that's a little bit larger, the people that are kind of on the periphery of that are not the ones who are necessarily going to have the knowledge on the deep, dark concerns or fears or insecurities or whatever that you might have in your life, the ones that are your ride or dies like we've talked about before, the ones that are going to know about a lot of that stuff.

Speaker 1:

So, as a result, you end up feeling like you're kind of on your own to some degree which isn't a bad thing, because I think it forces you to be in a position where you have to look at things more readily. You can't ignore them. You don't have anybody necessarily to bounce stuff off of, so you can't pretend like it's not there. Well, I suppose you could, but you're not doing yourselves any favors if you are.

Speaker 2:

I think, as we get into this, the hope is that well and two words are coming to mind, and that is intention and things that truly matter and the mindset that goes into that. That will give you the inspiration to connect in those ways. Right, Does that make sense? It totally does, Because think about that.

Speaker 1:

What you're talking about in regard to connection is the polar opposite of awkward small talk surface level socialization 100%. Yeah, Feeling like you're really having to chase after people to have conversations or to connect on a level that maybe they're not interested in connecting on with you. Yeah with you. So think about going into like a social gathering where you don't know anybody.

Speaker 1:

I did that a few months ago. I was in this social thing where I was invited to come and you know, be a part of this, I didn't know literally one person. Now, that's never really stopped me before, but I and I haven't been in those situations really in the same way for a while. But I went in there and I'm just like, okay, I don't know one damn soul here. Okay, let me see who I can go talk to. And I just went and chatted with people and made, I would say, small talk to some degree, but it's not easy to do.

Speaker 2:

It's not, but you know what's great about that? Nobody knows. They have no preconceived notion of who this person is, how she's going to act what she's going to say, so you can present yourself however you want in the most authentic way. That's a great opportunity actually to like really be your authentic self and see how that goes For a lot of people.

Speaker 1:

That is a very unnerving thought, it is unnerving. I think it personality wise.

Speaker 1:

You have people who are more introverted, who just aren't just flat out not comfortable you know, with that, and I would say I have become more introverted over the years, you know, but I definitely have that more extroverted tendency. And this is where that extroverted tendency came out. And I walked out of there and I was like kind of exhausted. But I mean, a couple of friends, I got a couple of business cards. You know people had you know commonalities and what we did, that sort of thing. So overall I felt like it was a really good use of my time and it got me out and got me talking about things that were different. You know that I wasn't really accustomed to.

Speaker 2:

So I liked it.

Speaker 1:

I think it was good, but again, that is not something that necessarily works for everybody. I would say, if we look at idea number one, the most important thing to remember for all of you, all of us out there, is that you can't really form deep relationships with others if you are not connected with yourself. And so true, yeah, but if you're disconnected with yourself and what's important to you, say your values are what you tolerate where you're at, in your world, in your life, how is someone else going to be able to connect?

Speaker 2:

with you. Yeah, right, very true, because when you talk about things, there won't be light behind it or passion. All right, right. So I think it's really important to reconnect with that if it's disconnected, right. And what those things are, the interests, the things that do light you up now, not 10 years ago, right?

Speaker 1:

Right, yeah, I had gone to this memorial service this last weekend that was a total spur of the moment thing and this guy that I had known we were all pretty tight when we were in high school right, there's several of us that were really tight and this I got a message early in the morning. It was like hey, did you know? So-and-so's dad passed away and he's in town because he lives. This guy lives in Texas and his dad had passed away. We went through grade school with him. High school I not seen this, this guy that lives in Texas in probably at least 30 years, if not longer, and but I thought it was so cool that the other guy that I know, calls me up and says hey, we learned about this last night when we were out the service or the memorial or whatever is.

Speaker 1:

X time, x place. I'm gonna go. I think he would really love to see you and I'm like hell, yeah, I'll be there. And I showed up to this thing and these people have not seen me since I was probably 20 years old.

Speaker 2:

It's probably been that long.

Speaker 1:

And so they remember me as that person which is so pivotal here. When I'm looking at this, going about self-connection and understanding where you're at in your life, they were looking at me like I was a 20-year-old girl. They hadn't even seen me since, probably before I'd been married.

Speaker 1:

But you know how you can pick up where you left off with people, where you had super strong connections with them, even as a young person. It's like there was this healthy respect for this one particular guy. He dated one of my friends all through high school and even into college. My parents adored him because he was respectful and he really was. He wasn't the Eddie Haskell guy, you know, that would show up and tell them one thing and then go do something else. He really was the guy that kind of kept us all in line. It was his dad that had passed away, but it's like I saw him and the look on his face when I walked in and he saw me, it was like that was like worth gold, you know, because I was like, oh my gosh, yeah, it was so cool to see him. And he's changed. He has a family.

Speaker 1:

I don't know how I got into that, but anyway, what I'm saying is it's like they see you differently. Yeah it's like they see you differently, right, and they're looking at what was maybe your priority when you were, you know, many years ago, when they knew you now you're a different person and you're reconnecting with these people that you may not have seen in a while, or people that you're getting to know.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and it's that you're a different person. So kind of how you've evolved is really important, and how you convey yourself. I, I think yeah. So what's?

Speaker 2:

idea number two Well, looking and finding we've talked about this recently, but shared interest communities, so like-minded people, and finding out what kind of groups are out there. I know Julie last week talked about what some of those. There's groups like this on Facebook travel groups, different things that you can explore, things that might align with what some of your current passions are. So you know, book clubs, hiking groups, just women's workshops different things like that.

Speaker 2:

There's actually a lot of stuff out there that might be more exciting. You know, you just, I think I hear a lot of times like, well, there's just like how do you find people, how do you connect with people? Because we're not doing it like we used to right.

Speaker 1:

Well, I think it's actually easier now because there's meetup groups and you just you have to put yourself out there, like here's an example I have some clients that are moving up here from California and it's four generations and the mom is a few years older than me, then her daughter's the one that's kind of the younger, the one that she has children, but anyway, the mom was saying that she is really into quilting. I think it is quilting and she's like and I'm going to, she goes, I've got to figure out where all the people are that love to do the stuff that I love to do once I move here. So she was already starting to figure it out, you know the things that she liked to do.

Speaker 1:

She wanted to get involved in different groups and things that were around where their new house is going to be and develop some of those friendships. They're all going to be brand new friendships but they have that one commonality that's going to kind of connect them. That's the key thing too. Is the like-mindedness really, you know, kind of accepting people for where they're at and just enjoying them in the moment. Maybe all this woman is going to do is meet these people and quilt with them, whatever you know, I don't know.

Speaker 1:

I think it's quilting, but it's not like she's going to maybe develop best friends. But she's going to have friendships. She doesn't know a soul here besides her own family, right? So I just thought it was cool that she's already thinking about how she's going to get out. We were talking about line dancing, like you know, kind of like fun line, not country line dancing, but the kind that you can do to like hip hop music and stuff like that, and I'm like do you know any places like that? And I'm like, hmm, I really don't Like the electric slide, yeah, kind of like the electric slide All the wedding receptions yeah, jams, yeah, or you know shuffle.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, there's like bands out. No, there's one out of Atlanta that does like a kind of a country one. It's called Boots on the Ground and it's super fun.

Speaker 2:

It's a line dance.

Speaker 1:

Anyway, there's places that are not where we currently live, but to the south of us or even maybe a little bit to the north of us, and so I kind of looked into some of those things because I want to give her some ideas.

Speaker 2:

Oh yeah. Heck, I might even go with her. I think, it'd be fun. There you go. Yeah, it'd be fun to do it, but just getting out more meaningful relationships instead of spreading yourself thin Right. Quality versus quantity We've always. We've heard that I mean in a lot of different scenarios, but it's true also in this case.

Speaker 1:

Well, I think that that is important, because we don't have as much time, maybe, to contribute to developing some relationships. So it's just like anything else If you spread yourself too thin, then it's going to be very superficial and there's not a lot of in-depth stuff. I think a lot of people, though, are not really keen on sharing in-depth stuff, and that might be more, you know, like generationally or what have you.

Speaker 2:

So fewer, because you don't do that with everybody. No, and you kind of learn and have a pulse on the peeps that you can do that with, I think, and it's the ones that you know where you can share vulnerability, because we don't do that with everybody no it's just the meaningful friendships that are there that we're going to do that with, right or or the ones you're developing friendships with.

Speaker 1:

You might be going a step deeper, because you start talking about things that maybe you're becoming more comfortable.

Speaker 2:

It helps to deepen that trust as you build on situations like that.

Speaker 1:

What's an idea? That if someone was looking at nurturing or kind of developing a relationship that's richer, deeper, with someone that they're getting to know, what would be one idea that they could do?

Speaker 2:

That's a good question, maybe like inviting someone you know that you're getting to know for coffee and just kind of sharing or asking a question, something like that that maybe goes beyond the typical you know hi, how are you, how was your week? Yeah, something a little more personal, just to kind of see where it goes. Because that building trust especially if you've been burned in friendships from the past, that might take some time to just kind of that's where that vulnerability piece comes in that I was sharing, because that's really what is going to deepen trust in conversations like that, where you open yourself up to a little bit more kind of prying in a way, but in

Speaker 1:

a respectful way for conversation, opening up yourself too. So you know it's reciprocal, right? Yeah, I think that's a great opportunity to do that.

Speaker 1:

I think we have a friend that we had met a couple of years ago that was moving to the area and she was great about inviting us to go, like she invited me to go play pickleball with her, which was great yeah it's like you know she's a great gal and it's like she's very competitive, so that was super fun that we were able to do that, but she was learning how to develop relationships in the area too, and with like-minded people, and she could hang out with and spend time with. So, um, I really enjoyed that and appreciated that about her. But I think even the people that are close to you you know a coffee date's a great way to just catch up. Yeah, you know that's the way a lot of people do it.

Speaker 2:

What about releasing old baggage? Yeah, relationship baggage. I know we just talked about that on last week's Well, just recently anyways, a couple episodes ago, do you?

Speaker 1:

feel like you're a really forgiving person.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I mean, yes, I've learned how to forgive within myself. I think sometimes it might just be being able to forgive within your own self. It might not be this outward big deal, where it's you know, oh yes, I forgive you or because, if somebody else isn't ready to receive that forgiveness, it might just be something that we're doing within ourselves for a while.

Speaker 1:

So does that make sense? Well, kind of it's like. But does forgiveness for you as or for them, Well, I mean, it just depends on the situation. Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Depends on the situation.

Speaker 1:

I found I hold on to shit. Yeah, depends on the situation, I'm more neutral to something where.

Speaker 1:

I, of course I'm forgiving it. I'm not doing it for someone else, I'm doing it more for my own peace, yeah, and letting something like that go that's not gnawing at my time and my attention and, frankly, affecting other things that are around me, yeah, but it takes time, I think, for you to do that, to do that. And then if you feel like you've been burned by a friend or a family member or, you know, in a romantic relationship or something like that, it's difficult to trust you know it takes time to learn how to trust.

Speaker 1:

So forgiving and forgetting are two different things. Yeah, you can forgive, but you don't necessarily forget how whatever has taken place will make you feel. But it's not to say that you won't give someone another opportunity again friend, family, whatever to show you that it could be different too, you know.

Speaker 2:

But I think there's a difference, too, between forgetting and letting go like you can forgive and takes longer to forget. But even if you haven't forgotten, it doesn't mean that you haven't let that shit go. You can let it go and still remember it.

Speaker 1:

Relationship is forever changed because of whatever's taken place. Can you go back to having a more you know reciprocal relationship where there's a mutual level of trust? Absolutely, you absolutely can. But I think in those circumstances I've kind of stepped back and evaluated has this relationship served its purpose for me and for this other person? Is this where it was supposed to be, or is it something that I need?

Speaker 2:

to push on, you know because it's important.

Speaker 1:

So I mean, anytime you have baggage like that, you have to evaluate it, you have to think it through and determine what is going to work best for you, and it really is going to be different for every single one. Family is tougher because they're your family, so they're going to be around you, and it's really difficult to let go of some of those things and people will deviate from what their values are, what their beliefs are. Sometimes because it's family, they'll protect people because it's family, even though they know it's not the right thing to do. And I struggle with a lot of that because, of course, I want to protect my family.

Speaker 1:

But it's's like you also have to look at if someone is putting you in a position where you're having to do things differently. It's like they're not being very conscious of what your needs are either. I don't even know how I got into that, because I'm not speaking about anything really specific, but I can think of she's on a roll. She's on a roll.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I could think of circumstances, you know, in my past where I've been like, okay, I just need to evaluate that. You know, and it's been family where I've chosen to distance myself because I didn't feel great about how things were going to get better these things, coaching, journaling, you know they can help the process of those old patterns. Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Especially when it comes to family, like you were just talking about, because that is a tricky one to navigate, for sure.

Speaker 1:

I would love for our audience, all you ladies out there, to really kind of take one moment right now, while you're driving in your car, or while you're at the gym, or while you're doing the dishes Wherever it is you're listening, wherever it is, you're listening and know that I'm talking to you. Okay, pregnant pause. Think about a relationship that you have in your life that needs to either be repaired or it needs to be released, and figure out what your step is going to be to make that happen. Okay, that's a challenge there you go.

Speaker 2:

That is a challenge for all you women out there who like challenges a relation it's a lot of r's a relationship that either needs repair or release.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's the triple r, the steps, yeah, yeah, towards it okay, and it could just be some little tiny step that you take towards like making a phone call or a text going hey got time to chat, or you want to go for a walk, or you know whatever. So you could even just thinking about you hope you're doing well.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it could be something as simple as that.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

And then what about number five? Well, this is the idea that you should not wait. You know, you don't have to wait to be invited. You don't have to wait to be seen, you don't have to wait to be chosen. Be the initiator when it comes to activities, whatever it might be. You don't have to wait If you're the one that's not getting invited to go to lunch, at work or whatever it is. Be the initiator. Send out that group text to your friends or at work. Hey, you know, blah, blah, blah. You want to go to lunch, or can I get you a coffee or whatever?

Speaker 1:

it is.

Speaker 2:

Surprise someone.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, be the initiator, something that's not expected, you don't have to wait around ladies, I know and that is a pleasant surprise when you know people are thinking about you If you've got new women in your life, who you've gotten to know, that want to hang out and have coffee. Like I was talking want to go for a walk, want to do something like that. I think that's lovely, because it really is kind of this invitation to try something different.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you know so anyway, could be the initiator in a lot of things.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, just saying In your self-pleasure, michelle is all about the self-pleasure, anyway, in closing. So let's recap these five connections, okay. So number one start with self-connection. You know you have to be connected with yourself. Number two seeking out shared interest communities or places where you might meet people that have similar hobbies or interests that you are interested in. That's a lot of interested words.

Speaker 2:

And then I like the idea number three of focusing on fewer, more meaningful relationships instead of spreading yourself thin. The quality versus quantity I love that. And then the fourth one was healing and release of old baggage in relationships, and then actually I think number five was my favorite.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Being the initiator, right Flipping the script, do something that people aren't expecting. I just love that.

Speaker 1:

I know a lot of people are just like no, I don't want to ask, I think that's weird. They'll think I'm strange.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, just do it. Just do it. Yeah, have a party and invite me.

Speaker 1:

Okay, I do that all the time. We just had a party before we came in here.

Speaker 2:

You can find us out on the socials. Our page on Instagram is kind of a party, so that's one place you could find yourself, having some fun and our podcast playground.

Speaker 1:

Michelle is hilarious when it comes to putting together our little socials.

Speaker 2:

She's got all kinds of I do seek for the entertainment aspect I know and I can't stop laughing really.

Speaker 1:

Every time she posts something.

Speaker 2:

it's a surprise to me, it's a surprise and delight, so go check it out, give us a like, share it on your story and get other people to follow if you're enjoying.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, if any of this stuff resonates with you, please share it with your friends.

Speaker 2:

And download.

Speaker 1:

Lots of spicy midlife women out there in this world.

Speaker 2:

Download these spicy episodes because we enjoy bringing them to you every week, and this is just another one in the big flurry that's coming with the community. Can't wait to start gathering everything up for that. And until next week, stay spicy ladies. Stay spicy ladies.