Spicy Midlife Women: Real Talk, Raw Truth, and Bold Moves for Women Over 40

23. 5 Tips to Owning Your Yes and Hell No in Midlife

• Jules and Michele: Midlife Mentors • Episode 24

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Ever find yourself saying yes when every part of you is screaming hell no? In this spicy and empowering episode, Jules and Michele are breaking down five key tips to help you stop second-guessing yourself and start standing firmly in your truth.

From the power of the pause to tuning into your body’s cues, this candid conversation dives into how to reclaim your boundaries, honor your energy, and unapologetically say yes to what lights you up and no to what drains you.

You’ll hear real-life examples of when people-pleasing creeps back in, how to protect your peace without guilt, and why your “no” doesn’t need an explanation.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

  • The simple mindset shift that helps you own your authentic yes
  • How to recognize when your body is signaling a hell no
  • The art of the “pregnant pause” (and how it changes everything)
  • Why setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s self-respect
  • How to protect your peace, energy, and joy in midlife

If it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive. Tune in and rediscover your power to choose what truly serves you.

Are you ready to take your "spiciness" to the next level?!

Connect with Julee & Michele on Instagram @spicy_midlife_women and send a DM about what resonated most during this episode so they can encourage you with steps forward in your own life.

SPEAKER_01:

Jules and Michelle here, your two spicy midlife women from Seattle, Washington, the Emerald City, where we're sharing our real life stories and having nobiest conversations with all of you out there. Right, Michelle?

SPEAKER_00:

That is so right. Here to help all you midlife women redefine your relationships, ditch toxic cycles, and reclaim your power one episode at a time, which is what we're gonna do now. So let's dive in.

SPEAKER_01:

All right, I'm excited about this one. Yeah. So today we want to chat with all of you about five key tips that we would share to owning your yes and your hell to the no in midlife. I say held to the no. To the no. It's held to the no, yeah. It's like that means you really, really mean it. At least that's the way I say it. I like it. So what do you think these tips are gonna help people with, Michelle?

SPEAKER_00:

The hope here, ladies, is to break these tips down to help you stop second guessing and start trusting yourself. Okay. Finally own your authentic yes and that truth in the hell to the no, as Julie says.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, and not apologizing for it or feeling bad. Yeah. We were kind of preparing for this in advance of recording, and I I was saying to Michelle, it's like, I say yes when I really want to say hell no sometimes because I don't want to disappoint people, or I guess that's kind of a pleasing.

SPEAKER_00:

I mean, in general, I'm sure there are those of you out there, and there there are those women that are very good intentionally to say no. And we talk about all this. We talk about setting boundaries and the reasons why and the people pleasing and where we're at in midlife, because we've recognized all of that and we're beyond it. We don't give two shits or zero fucking like all the things that we talk about. But that doesn't mean we're perfect. I mean, the reality is we still do these things, yeah, and that's why we're here to talk about them, to bring recognition to it so that it's on the forefront. You can be aware. I know I have to all the time. And tip number one, for example, is pause, right? It's the power of pausing before you give an answer. I call it the pregnant pause. The pregnant pause.

SPEAKER_01:

Because it's really an elongated pause, especially when you're trying to formulate your answer in a very, you know, nice way about what you're trying to avoid doing.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Yeah. So just the power of the pause. Yeah. Don't automatically say yes or no, for that matter. Either, either or.

SPEAKER_01:

Especially without really knowing the details of what you might be agree to. I mean, it's not to say that you don't, I mean, you want to help people. You want to be there and be available for people that are in your life, and in turn, people that you care about are in your life too. But if you're putting everyone else's needs before your own, then you really have to kind of evaluate whether that's the best way to handle it, because you're going to start feeling resentful if you're constantly saying yes because you feel bad.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. You know, you just need to give yourself space to check in or tap into that, if you will. Or is it a soulful yes, or is it a guilty yes if you are saying yes to whatever it might be?

SPEAKER_01:

Or is it a conditional yes? Yeah, that's it. Kind of like people are you're saying yes to somebody, but you but they know that it's like you're not really happy about it, you know, and and they are very appreciative. I was talking to someone today that was so appreciative of things that I do for her, but really I don't think she is. She just says that because she knows that she's asking a lot sometimes.

SPEAKER_00:

But yeah. And you just there's nothing wrong with the phrase, let me get back to you on that. Let me get back to you on that. You can use the power of that pause and then say, you know what, I'm gonna need to get back to you on that. That's not saying yes or no in that moment. And then you are able to give yourself that space that I was just talking about to evaluate the answer that you are wanting to give.

SPEAKER_01:

So let me get back to you on that. Or another way to say it would be, you know what, let me think on that and I'll get back to you. Something along those lines. But really not having facial gestures or, you know, any indication, just that you're listening, you know, that you're listening to what they're saying and considering what they're requesting, and then you just say, you know, I'll I'll get back to you. Or the other option might be, you know, I'm not really comfortable with that. You know, if you're really adamantly opposed to whatever it is that they're asking you to do, or they've asked you multiple times, or there's a feeling that you're starting to get where you're maybe being taken advantage of, you know, that sort of thing. It's okay to at that pregnant pause point all those Ps. Uh, you know, just say, you know, I don't think I don't think that's gonna work.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, and that's what you were just saying, a great segue into this second tip that we have, and that is to tune into your body because your body knows before your brain does. Absolutely. Right.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Whatever you want to call it, women's intuition, we hear that, yeah, which I'm a firm believer of, and trusting your gut. And that's what I think we mean when we talk about our body knowing before our brain, you can feel it inside.

SPEAKER_01:

And your body's responding to situations or to things you're probably recollecting that maybe you've been asked to do before and maybe you don't feel very appreciated for it, or whatever, you know, where you're kind of thinking through is that really what I want to be doing? So does the yes or no, in particular the yes, feel heavy, or does it feel light? Does it feel like no big deal? I can handle this, it's not a big deal, or you know, or you feel intense and kind of bundled up about it or uncomfortable about it.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, your body will definitely tell you.

SPEAKER_00:

I actually love that one because your body, that feeling, it really doesn't lie to you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

But do you think that also when you're kind of paying attention to your body that you will make decisions about things more quickly? So if you you just like, ooh, I'm feeling about that, instead of saying, Let me get back to you, it's more like, yeah, I'm not really feeling it.

SPEAKER_00:

As you're saying that, I'm thinking something's definitely going to be situational. Yeah. Because if you get that immediate, like this is not good, but there's nothing wrong with saying, Let me get back to you, because you still want to step back and give yourself that space to uh really think about the why behind that feeling, then that's okay. You know, you can still still do it. But I think to the point of the power within that pause, yeah, right. I think we're that seems like something we're gonna continually go back to. You might want to answer in that moment, but but really just give yourself that pause and that space to evaluate and then get back to them. And then kind of what they're asking. Because then there's no regrets. Yeah. No regrets. Whatever it is. No regrets, no regrets. Yeah. Whatever it might be, whether it's a yes or a no.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. And the boundary, you guys, is the most key thing really to kind of helping you maintain your sanity and helping you maintain your feeling like you've got control over your answers, whether they are yes or no. Now, if you're being asked to do something or follow up with something that makes you feel like maybe your values are getting questioned, or you know, you'd have to you'd have to shift or like you'd have to look at things differently, or you would, you know, slim shady something. They're asking you to do slim shady something, you know, that's not the same thing. I don't think we're talking about the same thing. I think it's just more the things that you're being requested to do on a regular basis. It might be really mundane tasks or things where, you know, here's a great example. It's like I'm in real estate, right? So everybody thinks I've got like all of this free time all the time, which is the biggest joke ever. Giant joke. I am here to confirm. Yeah. Yeah. But my schedule is very different than your schedule, for example. And so you are very structured and the way you go about your day, you're, you know, very focused on one thing. We don't really connect a lot during the day, maybe if you're on your break. But with me, it's like, you know, I'm busy doing this or busy doing this or busy doing whatever. I'm talking to different people all day long. I could be stopping at the store, I could be filling up my gas tank, but I'm also doing other things. And so people think that I have like all of this extra free time to do all of these things, and it's so not true.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. And so I, you know, I do my best to try to accommodate things when people need them, if I can fit them in. But at the same time, I don't like that expectation that has been placed on me because someone has an assumption that of what my job is.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Because it they're so wrong.

SPEAKER_00:

There's a lot of situations where that comes into play, right? Yeah. That's interesting. You bring that up about your job and how outside assumptions can make you feel. Yeah. And that's where stepping back and the space, the pause, all those things. I just, and more and more as we're getting into this conversation, realizing how important that is. Um, even before you say something like in your case that you were just talking about, it might not even be a yes or a no thing, but stepping back and giving that pause before you give input to whatever those expectations are that they're assuming that you can do it.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, she's got time. Yeah. Or maybe I'm just too accommodating. Yeah. Maybe I don't say hell to the no enough. Well, I mean, you know, but that's all goes with the territory, I suppose, too. And depending upon who I'm speaking to, you know, if it's a client, obviously I go out of my way to try to accommodate what they need. But there are definite boundaries that I've been putting in place with clients as well that have been necessary. Yeah. Not rude or mean or unprofessional, just really necessary because it's come to the point where there's times when that's very necessary. I don't know what else to say.

SPEAKER_00:

And this goes into a lot of different areas, right? You're talking about your career and what you do with real estate. I could think of situations like that with my job, but this overflows into family situations also. Yeah. Right? Those that have adult children that have children and wanting you to babysit or different things like that. Or that can even be taken advantage of too. Like, are they constantly maybe you have a single adult child who is in the dating scene and you know, always having you watch their children? Their children. Yeah. And which, you know, grandmas do that. And I'm not saying it's a bad thing if you're doing it all the time, but there's starts to be a bit of a resentful feeling because you're doing it and maybe questioning, you know. Well, I think it comes to the city.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, it comes down to the expectation. Yeah. Is the expectation that because you're grandma, you're gonna do all those things because you have no life. Because I mean, if grandma steps up and says yes, then you're cool. If grandma steps up and says, I've got pickleball or whatever she's doing, she's not being selfish. Right. She is living her life and of course wants to spend time with her grandkids, but at the same time, it's like she can't necessarily work all around your schedule. Yeah. And the same thing goes with we've got working parents. We were both working parents, you know, where we're gone working during the day. And it's like there's stay-home moms, for example, who might be able to pick up your kids or you carpool with them, or you do this or that. Yeah. It's not fair that the stay-home mom is the one that's doing all of the all of the work. Okay, but everybody assumes because they're not in a functional job that is getting paid, which by the way, stay-home moms, your job's way harder than everybody else's. But everybody just assumes, oh, yeah, they can do it. Yeah. You know, they can go drop this off, they can pick up the dry cleaning, they can do whatever.

SPEAKER_00:

So true. Yeah. Now that you bring that up, that is because I was that stay-at-home mom for a long time. Yeah. And you do a lot of shuttling.

SPEAKER_01:

You do a lot of shuttling. And so that's where, you know, you have to start working really in tandem with someone else who has children, for example. So it's more even, you know, if they're going to like sports stuff or practices that you guys are taking turns later.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. If you can do it during the day, and then that person can do it later in the day because they're home from work then. And yeah, there's a lot of different scenarios that come into play, isn't there?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. And a lot of it is just really boiling down to how comfortable you feel with people asking you.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And is it reciprocated? And do you feel valued and like, you know, you're appreciated? Yeah. All of those things play directly into this, you know.

SPEAKER_00:

I think what's important, and I love this tip number three, is saying yes to the things that you want more of.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Right? It's kind of like the whole karma thing. What goes around comes around. Yep. And saying yes to the things you want more of, that's not just opportunity, but it kind of puts things into alignment. Again, just when you think about it, in that same aspect as the karma situation. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, but you are the only one that can put yourself in those situations, right? Exactly. So saying yes to things that you know are going to prompt uh, I'm gonna say more joy or more interaction with different people or what have you, I think that's awesome. And it might be saying yes more to even having time on your own. Yeah, you know, because you don't get enough of it. Right. Or saying yes to things that are like creative things or to travel or, you know, sex or I was just gonna say, what about sex? Yeah. Say yes to that as often as possible because you release all your endorphins and it's really good for you.

SPEAKER_00:

It is really good for you. Yeah. And and the person that you're or you. I look at Michelle and point. Or you or you as in me myself. You mean yourself and her, yeah. Also saying no, if that makes you feel good. Yeah. Right? Doing more of that. So being intentional and paying attention is is, you know, is gonna bring to light what things you are craving more of. Right. And what to do to feed that.

SPEAKER_01:

Have you ever been in a situation, or just even recently, I can tell you I probably have, but have you been in situations where you're going, there's just I really need more of X. I need to figure out how to do more of X for me because it makes me feel good. Like today. I was just gonna say that.

SPEAKER_00:

Today was a great example.

SPEAKER_01:

Kind of share with everybody what you decided to do, which was a little abnormal for your Sunday.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, because Sundays are usually one of the days, Saturday or Sunday. If I don't do all the chores on one day, I'm doing it on doing it on the other. But yeah, I'm watering my plants, I'm doing laundry, I'm cleaning my bathroom, all the household things that I don't necessarily get done during the week. I do them on the weekend, as do I'm sure, many of you. Yesterday we had family dinner at my house, which we do periodically. And so I had all that going on yesterday, so didn't get my chores done yesterday. So was I gonna do some of that today, but I decided I touched based, it came up and had coffee with Julie. And then I was like, yep, I'll do this, that, and the other, and we'll circle back later when you're home. And then I proceeded to get myself dressed and decide to go walk, get my steps in. I wanted a change of scenery, so I decided to drive to Bothell, which isn't far from here, and there's a trail called the Sammamish River Trail, and it's gorgeous. And I just decided that was gonna be my time today. And I've been really focusing on getting 10,000 steps. That makes me feel good. So saying yes to myself to just go and do that, yep, and a change of scenery, and I walked, you know, halfway was to my favorite coffee spot, Mercury's coffee. If you're from Seattle, you know what I'm talking about. And I got myself a coffee and then I walked back and then I came home and I hit the sauna. Isn't that awesome?

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, and I didn't do the whole day for yourself.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I didn't do any, I didn't do any of the stuff that I but it's okay. I said yes to that. That's what brings me joy.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, and you know what, all that other stuff is still gonna be here. I know.

SPEAKER_00:

And if it doesn't get completely done, who cares? It's fine. Yeah, yeah, it's fine to you. Yeah, get doing the things that bring you more joy, being able to say yes. And to your point, it's sometimes it's yes or no to yourself. Yeah. I love it. That's very true. Very, very true.

SPEAKER_01:

And that's okay. Yeah, yeah. So, anyway, kind of all of you out there thinking about what brings you that feeling of peace, what you're craving more, and what you need to say maybe yes to. Maybe it's spending more time with your family or your mom or your daughter or your son or whatever, or going on a bike ride, or getting fresh air, or going to Pilates, like my new thing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, or you just little things that you are doing for yourself. Those are all things that are awesome to say yes to. Now, if you say yes to that all the time and nothing else, that might be kind of an issue.

SPEAKER_00:

That's a little bit of a problem.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, that might be a little bit more of a pendulum swing to the opposite direction, but something like you were saying before that gives you balance.

SPEAKER_00:

It makes it more delightful too when it's it's something that you literally have to be okay with, you know, letting some other things go and just doing it. Right. Right. And same with bringing us into this next one, number four, letting the hell no, or in Julie language, hell to the no be a full on sentence. Yeah. Right?

SPEAKER_01:

Full sentence. I wouldn't probably say it that way to somebody. I think it, except if it was something I was absolutely saying hell to the no to. But it'd be more like you were saying internally, this is what we're saying, going oh, hell no. Right. I think that's the way we would say it. Yeah, of course. But on the external avenues of it, you would be like pregnant pause. Yeah, that's not gonna work for me. I don't think I'm available, or I just don't really feel comfortable, or let me get back to you. You know, one of those. It's not the right fit for me right now. Yeah, it's not the right fit. Thanks, but no. Did you work at Nordstrom? You work at maybe we've got all the Nordstrom lingo down.

SPEAKER_00:

But I think what's important to point out is you don't owe anybody an explanation. I think that's where I know I get caught up with that. It's like I feel like if I say no, I have to give all the reasons why. And there might not be any. Well, and someone might not care. And right? Like, what do you, yeah, you do not owe anybody an explanation.

SPEAKER_01:

So you these things we're talking about really when we're saying yes or no are about boundaries. And we've talked about boundaries before, and really kind of determining, you know, where they are in relation to certain topics to certain people. I mean, I can think of situations or people where I've noticed like how they're communicating with other people and how their communications changed and the boundaries that they're putting in. Like there's one person I'm thinking of in particular that was kind of taking advantage of this other friend and this skill set that she had. And finally, the friend just kind of put the boundary in. And this girl stopped. Yeah. She stopped asking for, you know, all of this extra time and attention and resources. There was nothing reciprocated. There wasn't really much more than a, oh, hey, thanks so much, kind of a thing. I felt like she was using our friend, taking advantage of her. And our friend was very gracious about it, but at the same time, just went, Yeah, this is not working for me anymore. I just feel like she's using me. Uh-huh. Finally, it came down to that because she was being a pleaser prior to that. And then she set her boundary, and then it was like all of a sudden the clouds cleared. You could see the blue sky. You could totally tell the difference in the communication. And it kind of carried on into a lot of other things that I started noticing. So I think she'd been going through counseling or something at that time. I mean, but uh good for her. Yeah. I mean, I really was like kind of proud of her for setting those boundaries and saying no to things she didn't feel like were going to serve her anymore.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, in in some ways, it's protecting yourself, right? It's about self-protection, and that is not being selfish when you do that. Yeah. But do you feel do you think that it's viewed sometimes that way? 100%.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

It is viewed as especially as women, we are always told, oh, you take care of everybody else, you do other things. So when you start taking care of yourself or start really kind of thinking for yourself out loud, it's like it really does come across. It's a bit of a head scratch for some people. Yeah. They can't quite figure it out.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And they do think of you as being perhaps rather selfish.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. So you have to be okay with that and understanding that you know you're not going to make everybody happy with your decisions. Correct. Yeah. And that's okay. That is okay. So what's tip number five?

SPEAKER_00:

Number five is you need to remember that if it costs you kind of like we were just talking about, if it is costing you your peace, then it's too expensive. I love that. I know. Yeah. If it's costing you your peace, then it is too expensive.

SPEAKER_01:

So a peace check, a quote unquote peace check, I guess, would be if you say no and it brings you joy, versus if you say yes and it brings you dread. If you're saying yes, going, oh shit, I'm gonna say yes, but you really don't want to say yes versus the whole going back to I'm not really available that day. I don't think that's a good fit for me right now. I don't, I think I'm gonna pass.

SPEAKER_00:

You know, it's interesting because but I mean back to what I did today. Um but before I went to where I started my walk, I stopped at my sister's house because I had to drop something off at the neighbors. And so it's kind of weird because you know, I go to my sister's and I'm like, okay, I'm here. I need to let her know I'm here, right? And I was sitting in the driveway and we were texting, and I said, I'm actually in your driveway right now, and I'm gonna go walk this mammish trail. Do you want to come with me? And then I went and did what I had to do. I got back at the car, she hadn't responded. And I was like, I could have gone down to her door and done all that, but I had kind of a timeline that I wanted to stick to. And so I just said, You know what? I'm gonna go ahead and go. I hope you have a wonderful Sunday. Yeah, and I left. Yeah. And for a moment, I was feeling I felt like, was that okay to do? And then I was like, it's fine. And you know what? She understood. She was like, good for you to for sticking to your timeline. Yeah. She was like, Oh, I'm so sad I missed that, whatever, because I set my phone down. She didn't come back to it for a while. But she's like, Good for you for sticking to the timeline.

SPEAKER_01:

So what if you would have called her instead of texted her?

SPEAKER_00:

I don't know.

SPEAKER_01:

I know, so it's like my automatically just text up. They didn't answer.

SPEAKER_00:

So I guess they didn't see it, you know, kind of a thing. Yeah. Which, you know, she's doing other things and it's fine. But it's a good thing, ladies also to recognize that and not get butthurt over it.

SPEAKER_01:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

Like she did. She was good for you for sticking to your timeline. She recognized that, she appreciated that in the way she responded. It was like, you know, giving me permission to feel okay about it, right? And not making you feel guilty for some expectation.

SPEAKER_01:

Isn't that interesting? I have a little kind of an example or story that I was just thinking of in regard to this. There was this woman that we both know, but had really wanted to be going out a lot, like a year ago or so. Yeah. And I was just not, I mean, I'd like to go out and do stuff, but I wasn't really feeling it like a couple of different weekends. I just wanted to be home, whatever it was. And so I politely declined, was try something different, different day, whatever. And then something else had come up that I wanted to go do, and it was almost a punishment because I I had declined. It wasn't even a boundary. It was just more kind of like I don't really not feeling it kind of a thing. But but she was butthurt. Uh and is what I'm thinking. Because at the end of the day, when there were other things that came up that I had said, Hey, you want to go? Nope, sorry, not available. Really, she probably was, but I think she was trying to prove a point. Uh I don't I don't know why I just thought of that.

SPEAKER_00:

That's kind of yeah, because like I mean, it's in sisterhood there. And it doesn't have to be whether it's somebody in your tribe, if it's somebody in your family, if it's somebody at work, whatever it is, respecting what they have to offer in regard to whatever the answers are in regard to any situation and respecting it and being okay with it if that's what they're doing. What they need at that time. Yeah. It's like I need to say no. And whoever's getting that no needs to respect the no. It's not about you. It's just like the no, it might not be about you. It just might be about me. She's like, You know, because it is all about me.

SPEAKER_01:

No, I'm just kidding.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, it's like a whole big picture kind of a thing.

SPEAKER_01:

But so not getting butthurt. If people are not available for you, or if you're asking for things and they're not able to accommodate or oblige, they're putting up the a boundary, maybe, or maybe they just don't have time. You know, it's not even about a boundary.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

But try not to take things like that too personal, or if it continues to happen, perhaps you're asking too much. That's another way to look at it. That is true. You know. So I guess when we look at all of this, it's like when we're in midlife, this isn't the end of our story, it's the chapter, and we're finally getting an opportunity to write it like the way we want to. Right. You know, and having the ability to be able to make those decisions and do them for ourselves and feel good about them is a really wonderful thing to be able to do. But I really do believe we have to give ourselves permission.

SPEAKER_00:

Yep. And it doesn't make you too much. No. When you do that, if anything, you just need to realize that at this time in life, you're finally enough. You're recognizing that, you're able to do the things that used to feel hard. And you don't have to be superwoman. You don't. You don't have to be. And just give yourself permission to pause. I think it's even bigger takeaway. Yeah. Yeah. No, at this time in life, no. Maybe between 40 and 50. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Maybe, but otherwise, we're just having a pregnant pause with no baby.

SPEAKER_00:

There's that.

SPEAKER_01:

Anyway.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Our spicy community is really coming along. So we can't wait to share that with you all. And it's going to be super exciting. You're going to start hearing and seeing more about that on the socials. So if you haven't checked out Spicy Midlife Women, we are out there on Facebook and Instagram. We appreciate the downloads on whatever podcast platform it is that you listen to us. We do appreciate that. If you love us, share us with your friends. Like us on the socials. And until next time, stay spicy. Stay spicy, ladies. Take it easy. Bye.