45. Prioritizing Yourself Without Guilt

Are you the "emergency contact" for everyone in your life? In Part 3 of The Spicy Awakening series, Julee flies solo to tackle a topic we all struggle with: prioritizing ourselves without the heavy burden of guilt.

If you've spent the last few decades putting your kids, your spouse, and your career first, it's time to realize that abandoning yourself is doing everyone a disservice. Julee shares candid stories about the exhaustion of people-pleasing during her divorce, finding inspiration from women traveling solo in St. Lucia, and shifting the dynamic with her aging mother.

We discuss practical ways to protect your time, why your physical health is a non-negotiable boundary, and how to finally say "no" to things that drain your energy without writing a paragraph of excuses. Remember the oxygen mask rule: you have to take care of yourself before you can help anyone else.

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Transcript

The Cost Of People Pleasing

Midlife Wake Up Call

Travel Dreams And Taking The Trip

What Prioritizing Yourself Looks Like

Health And Energy As Nonnegotiables

Making Relationships Healthier

Reframing Self Care As Strength

SPEAKER_00 0:28

So welcome all you spicy ladies back to the series that we have going on right now, The Spicy Awakening. As I mentioned in the last couple of episodes, Michelle, who is the partner in crime I have, is taking a little time away to deal with some things going on family-wise, and she will be back in the next couple of weeks. So with that in mind, we thought it would be really fun to try something a little bit different. So here I am trying something a little bit different with all of you. And this is the third episode in our series of the spicy awakening. So today we're going to talk a little bit about prioritizing yourself without guilt. Prioritizing ourselves and guilt are two words that usually are not synonymous. So you don't usually do those two things together. Or if you are prioritizing yourself, there's a lot of times when you feel guilty about it. And a lot of that has to do with the outside influences that you have, you know, the people that are around you that rely on you. So we're going to talk today about prioritizing yourself without that guilt, or with that not being the first and foremost thing on your mind. Last week we talked about seeing yourself more clearly. And that means kind of pulling back the layers a little bit about the things that you maybe don't want to talk about or the things that you don't want to deal with that are in your own life and really seeing where those things have impacted the way you behave, the way that you carry yourself, the way that you respond to other people or communicate with other people and how you view yourself too. And so this week going into prioritizing yourself kind of seems like the nice progression, you know, into the next step that we're going to talk about. Because gosh, we really as women have kind of a hard time doing that sometimes. And I said the word guilt before. I was raised Catholic. I totally get the word guilt. And so with that in mind, let's get into it. A lot of us have spent years being the person who is the emergency contact for everyone else, or thinking that you can maybe take on more and maybe other people can't. And so you just do. I've known to been known to do this myself, you know, where I think I can handle a lot more and I end up spraying, you know, because I'm spreading myself too thin. Some of that might be people-pleasing tendencies as well. I acknowledge that, but that seems to be a thing that comes up quite frequently when we're talking about putting ourselves first or we're talking about our own wants and needs. Because everybody else around us has become accustomed to who we are and what we do for them and how we show up. That when we make an adjustment or change, it kind of seems a little weird, you know, or a little weird to everybody else, maybe. So that's what I mean by that. So if we're prioritizing everybody else, that means that we are putting ourselves last on that priority list. And it's so easy to do, you guys. We all do it. And it's something that just become has come so naturally, I guess, to do that I don't even realize sometimes when I'm doing it. Or I think, hey, I'm strong. I can handle it. I can take on more. I want to help this person. I want to be there for them. And sometimes we lack that capacity to do that. And we end up, like I mentioned before, kind of spraying. I can think back on a time when I absolutely did this. And it was when I was going through my divorce and I was trying to come up with different ways to interact with other women or with the community. And I had joined this one group that one of my friends had been running. And it was a women's group and did a lot of stuff, charity stuff, things like that. And I really was interested in being a part of it. But what I realized is that I had spread myself so thin in trying to take on other responsibilities and everything else that I was not very good at following through, frankly, on the things that I was committed to doing. It became very clear to me early on that I had no business getting involved in this community at that time because it took a lot of my time. And although I was excited about it, I guess you could say to some degree, because you could see the things that were happening and was helping other people, specifically women, that kind of thing. But you know what? I wasn't, I was not showing up as my best self because I was spread so thin. And a lot of that goes back to that people-pleasing aspect of things that I've come to learn over years that I probably possess a little more than I thought. But the idea of being everything to everyone is not uncommon and something that we need to really evaluate if we're in that place and we're doing that because we're not doing ourselves any favors, you know, if we're doing that. So midlife is when a lot of us kind of wake up. And that's why you're hearing so much about midlife and about transition and change and finding ourselves and everything, because there's so much that has happened over the course of the years prior that really, in a lot of cases, we've lost ourselves. You see it a lot with women who they don't take care of themselves physically because they're taking care of everybody else. They're not sleeping a lot, they're not taking care of their skin, they're not exercising, they're not doing things like that because those feel like guilty priorities, you know, or they just don't have enough time and the other things have to come first. We've all been guilty of things like that, myself included. I've always tried to incorporate things that will give me that time and help me feel like I'm being healthy. But the reality is there's so many times when if like I didn't go to the gym before I got home from work, I just didn't go. All I wanted to do is put on my pajamas and chill, you know, because you had such a hard day at work. And then you still have to, you know, make dinner and you've got kids' homework and you've got bedtime stories and you've got all this other stuff. So by the time it is quiet in your head and around you, it's time for you to go to sleep and then start doing it all over again. And I think that's sometimes what we realize when we get into midlife. We're like, damn, is this what I'm supposed to be doing? Is this all there is? Is this what I am intended for? And I've had that conversation with myself when I've realized that I'm going through the motions on a lot of things. And it's kind of a band-aid pull-off, if you will, because you're really kind of exposing some of those raw places of yourself. You're just exposing it to yourself. Or if you have a therapist, maybe you're you know, sharing that with them. But we get to the point where we're busy and we don't really want to deal with it. And so when we don't want to deal with it, we just kind of push it off or we put other things as priorities. And when we do that, then all of this stuff we're talking about begins to happen. And I would say there's probably resentment that creeps in to different things when there's this expectation that you are supposed to be handling a lot of the things that are happening, for example, in a household, or when you're the person who's supposed to be taking care of all of the finances and you're the person that works. I mean, there's just so much that we take on. And I'm not saying that because I'm trying to be a martyr and say I take on everything. I think I'm speaking very generally, obviously. I I obviously have done this too. Michelle has done this. Every woman I know has been in a place like this, you know. But the question is, you know, what do we do with that information? Because if we don't make adjustments or changes when we have these realizations and the remainder of our life is ahead of us, what does that mean? I mean, what does it mean when you really don't get to identify what makes you happy or the things that bring you joy or that you want to spend time doing things, you know, like for example, travel. A lot of people don't travel or haven't traveled when they've had kids because their priorities are with the kids and or finances, you know, they're not able to do both. And so when they get to the point where they're able to do that, you know, maybe their partner doesn't want to. I mean, I when I went to St. Lucia back in November, I went on a girls' trip. Actually, I went on my own, and it was with a woman's group, if you will, but I didn't know any of them. And uh I came to find out that almost all of them were married and their husbands just didn't like to travel. And so it was kind of nice to see these women getting out and just living their life and doing their thing, and they weren't letting the fact that their husband wasn't interested in travel uh impact their ability to go out and do things. Now, granted, these women, some of them were quite a bit older and had been married for a long time. It wasn't like, you know, this is probably something that had been going on in their relationship for a long time, or maybe the husband didn't want to travel anymore. I don't really know. But I I was really proud of these ladies who made the decision to go, you know, do things on their own and explore because that was their passion. That's what they wanted to do. There's a lot of us who won't do it if we don't have our partner with us, or if we don't have a friend go with us, or something like that, we'll sit on the sidelines and we won't get these experiences under our belt. And you guys, we only get this one life. So if these are things that you feel are passionate topics to you, go the fucking do them because if or save your money to do them, plan them in advance so you have things to look forward to. Because if you don't do it, nobody else is going to do it for you. True. A lot of us have not realized that we have been kind of running this full-time support mode since we started taking responsibility for other people and other things, which is great. But when you're taking care of everybody else and you're abandoning yourself, you're actually doing yourself not only a disservice, but you're doing yourself harm. Because by by limiting the amounts of things that you do to make room for all of these other things, there's parts of you that are just kind of like going to sleep inside. And they're just going to stay there and remain dormant unless you do something about it. Uh, and then that's where we kind of start going through motions. You know, we start going through motions and just doing the things that we're supposed to do. We don't really think about our dreams or our hopes or the vision that we had for ourselves when we were 20. We don't think about any of that stuff anymore. And there's absolutely no reason why we wouldn't think about those things. Just because something happened 30 years ago that you dreamt about that you wanted to do doesn't mean that you fucking can't do it now. I mean, what if you wanted to write a book? Why wouldn't you do it now? Maybe it's going to take a little bit longer, but it's something that you've always wanted to do. Why wouldn't you do it? And part of that is people's insecurity. They're feeling uncomfortable because it's something different. Maybe they're not getting the support from the people that are around them because if you're making adjustments and changes, it affects them, right? And they're not necessarily gonna like that. So there's a lot of different reasons why you might be hesitant. But my point is, and what I'm getting at is you're the only one that's gonna make those decisions for yourself. And you're the one when all is said and done, that it is going to be either having regrets for some of these things, or you're gonna find that you have blessings because you actually took the time to enjoy the things that you cherished or that you wanted to do. Let's talk, let's talk a little bit about what prioritizing yourself might look like, because that is something that I think maybe feels a little bit squishy to people. And it can be very subtle little things that you do to prioritize yourself or that you kind of start out with to get yourself more comfortable. But let's talk about that. So, one thing I can think of is uh protecting your time. People want to take your time. Maybe they just like being around you, but you need to protect your time. And if you have commitments to things that are for yourself, protect those commitments. You know, maybe you're gonna go to get a massage, you know, and something comes up, it's like you cancel the massage, you're gonna end up paying for it anyway, because it's last minute. So you make the priority to go to your massage. And then whatever it is that you need to deal with, you deal with after your massage. Or if you have a doctor's appointments and they're conflicting with other things, you cancel them, you move them around, you know, that kind of thing to accommodate all of this other stuff. You're not taking care of your health. So, anyway, these are a couple of different examples. Taking care of your physical and emotional energy. This is huge, you guys, because I have been on a kind of fitness journey for a while, but kind of a half-assed one, quite honestly, until the last couple of years. I love chocolate. I love ice cream, I love to eat, I love all that kind of stuff, and I want to be able to do it. But at the same time, I do want to be able to lift things over my head. I want to be able to have a lot of endurance. All of that impacts our health, not only our health, but our age. We have to be really cognizant of that because if we don't, if we don't take care of ourselves, we're not gonna last. Or if we're here, we're not gonna have time to really be able to enjoy if we're sick, you know, or we're not mobile or whatever. So taking care of ourselves not only is really a huge priority for us, something that we need to put first. But if you think about it, it's a trickle effect. And when you take care of yourself, your mind is in a better place, your disposition is in a better place, your health is in a better place, and you are better for it. You're a lot more maybe patient, you're, you know, more consistent with the things you're doing because you're feeling like you've got the ability to take care of yourself. And if you're around people that don't take care of themselves or don't want to work out or go for walks or whatever, that's totally on them. But that doesn't mean it has to be on you too. So we have uh Michelle and I have a friend. She is super hardcore and she she's a b, I don't say bodybuilder, but she does competitions for different things. And I'm telling you, that girl is so consistent with her gym time, with her practice, with her coaches for these competitions, how she eats and what she's doing. And it's just, it's kind of cool to watch and see how much she puts the priority on the things that she values. And not everybody around her probably loves that because it inconveniences them, maybe to some degree. But the people in her life that love her, they totally are, they're totally happy for her and they see that she is happy. I can't even imagine her not being that way, you know? And so anyway, that's just an example. I'm finding that taking care of your health is directly related to taking care of your energy because if you don't have good sleep and you don't work your body out and you don't do things like that, you are kind of turning into a slug. And you're just gonna want to watch TV and hang out in the house. And then it's just, it's like, it's kind of like a kind of like a snowball effect, you know? Putting your health as a priority is number one for you, along with your spirituality. That's another really important one, obviously. But when I'm talking about health right now, but putting your health first is a huge priority. And we only get this one body. We got to take care of it. So we have neglected it over time and it has served us so well, but we need to take care of it now because now is going to be most critical as we move forward in our lives so we can live happy, healthy, productive, you know, meaning active lives, you know, and it's like I don't want to live any other way. And it scares me to think about living any other way. One thing I wanted to point out is that I think when you're talking about health, which I just was a second ago, I'm also talking about healthy relationships in this next thing I'm segueing into. And one thing that's really important to note, if you haven't been in a healthy relationship, you might not really know this, or you might have been in several unhealthy relationships, so you know what you want and what you value. But what's really important and what I've understood more so probably since I got divorced uh several years back was that healthy relationships actually have to be a real priority. Now, whether that is a romantic relationship, you know, like a significant other, or healthy relationships that are related to your children or to your families, spouses, you know, whatever, um it's pretty critical because if you don't have healthy relationships, it's like they drain you. And, you know, I've I've talked about this before, you know, I have I have a mom who I adore, but and and I've come to learn over the last, I don't know, six months or so, you know, as she's her health is kind of declining and she's starting to forget things and things like that. And it's starting to really make me sad because it reminds me of how much I have been impatient, you know, with her over the time. And so I've really been trying to kind of focus my time and my energy differently with her. But our relationship has always had that barrier or that kind of wall in there because I've always put a barrier around it, you know, maybe because I didn't want that control in my life. I didn't want any of that stuff. I don't really know at this point. I'm sure it's something I'm gonna have to figure out. But that is a hell, that is a relationship that hadn't been in my mind healthy. It created a lot of stress for me. And um I've it just it's like an epiphany. I went and blessed and released it, if you will. And now it's like when I spend time with her or doing things for her or whatever I need, I'm looking at it from a completely different perspective because she's had a different place in her life and she's not going to be around that much longer, I would imagine. So I'm trying to just embrace that and let go of the toxicity that I feel may have been there before. It doesn't feel like it's there in the same way anymore, which I'm very grateful for. But that's just an example of a relationship that being really healthy, which hopefully you guys have great relationships with your moms. That's probably the most important relationship out there besides your husband or your significant other. And great relationships with your children. It's sad when we don't have good relationships with our children. I mean, it happens all the time with people. I feel really grateful that I have a really good relationship with all three of my kids. But, you know, we've had our ups and downs just like anybody else. And those are people you're never gonna abandon in your life. You're never gonna, or at least I will never let go of those people. I will never, you know, like make it so black and white because they're a part of me. But there's a lot of people that have chosen to do that. And I respect that for different reasons, you know, the whatever the toxicity was, maybe it's drug or alcohol use, maybe it's things like that that you've dealt with over time. Who knows? And you've made that conscious choice to separate yourself from them. That's okay. That's okay. It still hurts, you know, it still doesn't feel good inside. And hopefully you've been able to, if that's happened, you've been able to have other relationships that have come in to kind of fulfill that void a little bit and be those people in your life that your family is supposed to or you felt was supposed to have been. So let's do a little reframing on prioritization. Instead of saying, um, I'm taking time away from others, you have to start thinking, like I mentioned before, about how it's like, I'm taking this time for me, but I'm gonna show up a different person because of it. I'm gonna be in a better mood. I'm gonna feel like I've had time to do the things that I want to do. Maybe it's spending time with your close friends, maybe it's getting a massage, like I said earlier, maybe it's going shopping on your own and not having to, you know, tag the kids along with you. Just little things like that give you that ability to be a lot brighter and open to other people and to other situations that may be coming up. It's bottom line, you have to take care of yourself. It's kind of like when you think about, okay, think about the plane, you know, like they say that mask that falls down on the plane. You're supposed to put that mask on yourself first before you help the next person. Because if you don't put it on yourself first, you're gonna pass out and then you're not gonna be able to help anybody. This is kind of the same thing we're talking about here. Taking care of yourself means you are in a better position to help other people or to be a support system for somebody or to fulfill the responsibilities that you have. So it's not selfish, you guys, to do this. It's not selfish at all. It's uh it's gotta be a priority. And I think we put ourselves in this place where we just think, oh gosh, you know, there's gonna be plenty left over for me at the end. And reality check, ladies, spicy truth, there's sometimes not a lot left at the end. So let's talk about where you might want to prioritize yourself a little bit better after we have this discussion. We talked about time, protecting your time, maybe establish that there is an hour of time that you have just for yourself. And maybe that is that you're taking a walk, or maybe you're going to hit golf balls, or maybe you're, you know, who knows what you're doing. Whatever, whatever brings you joy. Maybe you're going to the gym, maybe you're going to shopping, you know, window shopping, who knows? But it's something that kind of brings you joy. Try protecting that time and allowing you yourself to have the time to do those things and not feel like it's going to be an inconvenience to everybody else. Here's another one. We're so not very good at this. Say no to the things that bring you anxiety and don't serve you. It's okay. And do it without so much conversation and explaining because I swear to God, I've caught myself doing that. Like I've been writing, like writing an email or something, and I'm saying that's not going to work at this time. Instead of leaving it there, I continue on with da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. It's not going to work because blah, blah, blah. And then I stop myself and I back it up and I erase it all. I'm like, I don't need to put all that in there. It's none of their business what I'm the reason why. You know, so you have to kind of consciously think about those things. Uh, the other one is that I wanted to share with you. Do something that genuinely excites you, that genuinely makes you happy, something that you look forward to. It could be anything, you know. Oh gosh, that you want to go see a specific artist play a concert. You want to go get freaking Jamoka almond vudge ice cream. Do you, boo. You want to go shopping and get a cute outfit for wherever you're going out this weekend. These little things are what are these are the little snippets in our life that we need to add more of in because those are the things that are helping us be probably the better or best version of ourselves. So next week, I'm gonna share with you that you know, we're doing a little acronym here. So this one is uh the P. And next week it's going to be I and it's identifying what you actually want. That's kind of the key because we, I mean, seriously, think about this question for just a second because it's like we all say, oh, we want this, we want that, we want, we just want freedom. We want the. And it's like, if I just tell you, okay, identify exactly what you want because we're gonna make that happen, it kind of freaks you out a little bit, you know, because you're like, oh, now I gotta kind of follow through. I just want you to think about it. Just think about what you actually want because that's what we're gonna be talking about next week. So until next week, thank you, ladies, for tuning in and listening to my discussion with all of you. And uh, please remember that we are on all the socials. I would love to get your feedback. Please DM. I will definitely respond. And uh, until next week, stay spicy. Be spicy. You are spicy. Have a good one.