46. Communicating with Confidence

Are you guilty of writing a paragraph of excuses every time you need to say "no"? Let's tackle the "C" in our SPICY acronym: Communicating with Confidence.

If you have spent your life acting as the peacekeeper and the problem solver, shifting to direct communication can feel terrifying. We discuss why hinting at your needs breeds resentment, the dangers of being passive-aggressive, and the reality of getting pushback from people who benefited from you being a doormat.

Julee also drops some hard truths about removing emotion from corporate communication and how to handle relationships that leave you feeling exhausted and defensive. Remember: healthy relationships can handle your honesty.

The Weekly Challenge: Have one honest conversation this week. Set a boundary or decline an invitation without over-explaining. Even if your voice shakes, do it anyway!

Watch the full video version on our YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@Spicymidlifewomen-jandm

Connect with us: 

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@spicy_midlife_women 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/spicy_midlife_women 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/share/1KU6N5SdMH/

Are you ready to take your "spiciness" to the next level?! 

Connect with Julee & Michele on Instagram @spicy_midlife_women and send a DM about what resonated most during this episode so they can encourage you with steps forward in your own life. 

Transcript

Solo Series And Why It Matters

SPEAKER_00 0:28

Hey, all you spicy ladies out there. It's Jules from the Jules and Michelle Spicy Midlip Women podcast. And as you know from these last couple of episodes that we've had, Michelle is on a little hiatus. She'll be back very soon. I miss her tremendously. But in the meantime, we've got a little solo series that I've been doing. And this episode is based on the communication that you have when you're trying to elevate your spiciness. So we'll get into it from there. So we're going to talk about communicating with confidence. And this is something that a lot of us have mastered or have mastered in certain situations, but not always. It doesn't always work out that way. So sometimes you just need to figure out if the person you're talking to actually gets what you're saying. Because here's the spicy truth, you guys. You can know what you want and you can try to relay what you want. But if you don't even make an effort to do that, then nothing's going to change. And so that's where the unnerving part comes in. Sometimes you gotta like put your big toe in the water and go, okay, I'm gonna say what I need to say. And you know, hopefully there's not repercussions from it if you say it graciously. But uh that is what we're gonna talk about today. I've come to learn myself that unspoken expectations can definitely lead to resentment. I've been uh talking about that a little bit in a couple of past episodes, and I can say when you don't necessarily articulate what you want, you can become more resentful. You can become even more passive-aggressive with how you communicate, speaking from experience. It's like because you're trying to convey your message and you're hoping the person picks up on what you're trying to say, and that is the less uh direct approach, but it doesn't always work and isn't necessarily the most healthy way to do stuff, because then you might really come across as being more manipulative with what you're saying and doing. A lot of women, and I mentioned this just a minute ago, uh, they really struggle with this. And it's not because they don't know what they want, it's because we are conditioned to keep the peace. We're conditioned to find solutions, we're conditioned to take things on without asking uh or communicating sometimes what we need. And then it that kind of circles back into that resentment that we were talking about a minute ago. Um, and then it just builds and builds and builds, and it can build in a lot of different ways and a lot of different relationships and such, but it definitely builds. So as you've probably gotten into your more mature years, you're in your, you know, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, whatever, you've hopefully learned to figure this out or you're kind of recognizing that you need to. And uh I can say for myself, and I'm talking with Michelle about this too, is that we've been super passive about things in the past that we didn't want to be passive about and then regretted it later. Now I would say I'm much more easygoing about a lot of things. So if I convey something that is a difficult thing to convey, it's easier maybe to do it only because I uh I don't do it all the time. You know, I just there's so many things I'm just like, whatever, I don't really care, you know. Like I was, I just got back from Costa Rica. An amazing trip, by the way. And it's been kind of hard to get back into the swing of things. But I found that, you know, especially when you're kind of meeting other people and traveling with people that you're not super familiar with, it's just easier to be more passive about things and be more easygoing about things and things that don't uh really matter. You just kind of let them go. And if there's something that you really feel important about, like wanted to see certain things, I would say I'd really like to see this. And we would build it into our schedule. And there were things that this other lady that I was traveling with, she really wanted to see. So we built those things into the schedule as well. But it was easier to do that instead of just saying, well, you know, and being kind of hemming and hawing about stuff, because I think that would have been a lot more frustrating for both of us. So over time, what we find is that the hinting turns into things like overexplaining. Like, have you guys ever written an email or written a text message or something where you're declining whatever it is? You're going, that's not gonna work for me, or I'm not available that day. And then you kind of start going into why you're not available that way, that day, or why it's not gonna work for you. And I've caught myself doing this several times, especially in an email. And a lot of that's because I'm trying to be nice. You know, I'm trying to be not come across as so uh rigid or so black and white, you know, you're trying to be a little bit softer around the edges, but really it's like, do you need to explain all this stuff? You don't need to explain it to people. And I think that's where you start understanding and learning it, you know, as you've gotten older, is that you don't really need to do that. And you have to consciously make yourself not do that. People notice the difference because it comes up really more as a boundary that they are going, oh gosh, looks like she's putting a little boundary in place or something, and maybe kind of giving you a little, you know, attaboy behind your back because they're like, right on, she's finally doing something like that, and she's never done that before. She's been a doormat. She has always said yes. She has always uh put herself in a position where she just lets things happen and you're starting to become a lot stronger. You're starting to become a lot more, I would say, overtly um opinionated, you know, and not in a bad way. You know, these are all things that have been there before. You're just now kind of letting them out, which is not such a bad thing, right? When I'm talking about hinting, like there's things you say in relationships, there's things you say in conversation to your spouse or to your significant other uh that you're hoping they're gonna pick up on. That is not requesting. That is like crossing your fingers that they're gonna really pick up your message. And half the time when that kind of thing happens, people don't get it. There, or it's it's vague enough to where they're going, wow, I didn't pick up on that. And so you're back where you kind of started. So confident communication can be really simple. It's more direct, I would say. You're um having a more clear message. That's another one that I think really helps understand that you're conveying something really important to you as well, is if your message is clear and your message is grounded. You're not speaking with a ton of emotion, you're not conveying emotional responses, especially when you're in a work environment and we're women, and you know, as much as I hate to say it, that's the reality of being in uh like a corporate world or in a work environment, is that you have to consciously ensure that you're not responding to things with emotion because uh you'll be tagged as that woman that responds with emotion, or she's so emotional about things or whatever. You have to convey your messages much more um, I want to say generically at work, but in a way to where emotion doesn't play into it, where you're not saying, oh, I feel blah, blah, blah, or whatever. You you're speaking uh with words that aren't conveying what you're feeling inside, if that makes sense. So confident communication is also um, it's not aggressive, uh, it's not bullying necessarily. You think confident communication can really mean something like that? It doesn't mean anything like that. It's like you do see people who communicate aggressively or, you know, who are overbearing with their communication because they're trying to, they're kind of bullying. You know, they're bullying the people that are around or in the room, and uh the other people that are there are not necessarily going to stand up and say, hey, I'm not really comfortable with how you're conveying that. They'll just take it a lot of the time, especially if it's someone in a position of authority. So maybe it's, you know, um a husband, or maybe it's the wife or partner, or maybe it's your sister who's a big fat bully and always trying to get her way. You know, you just there's people around you all the time that communicate that way, and you have to recognize the difference because you sure as hell don't want to come across that way. So here's when things shift. You I mentioned a little bit earlier about how when you start looking at things differently, when you start conveying things differently, people start noticing that. And that is something that is really kind of cool to see because they're gonna ness they're gonna pause and perhaps look at the way you're saying things differently because they're not used to hearing it from you that way. So some people will respond kindly and go, okay, this is a shift, like we talked about. Some people will push back. They'll be like, I don't like the new you. I don't like the way you speak to me, I don't like how you handle things now. You used to be a lot easier to be around or to work with. You know, they're what you're doing is making them uncomfortable because they're really very comfortable with the passive person or the passive responses that you've provided in the past. So just kind of keep that in mind. Um, you're gonna get pushback if you're doing things correctly and you have not been doing them that way in the past. And it's a subtle shift, but you start noticing it yourself. And I think that it just helps develop a lot more confidence in how you relay your messages too when you see that you're making progress with it. The reality is when people start seeing you communicate like that, the benefit of how you used to communicate with them changes, obviously, and that's kind of where the pushback will come in. And here's this here's the spicy, spicy truth. Healthy relationships can handle it, right? And I would say we have less healthy relationships than more healthy relationships sometimes because we don't really think about these things. Um, I can think of one person that I have communicated with on a regular basis, and it's fucking exhausting because every single conversation turns into an argument or turns into something divisive. And it's like honestly, I will just like avoid or turn around and try to do something different because I just don't want to feel that way. And this is a person that I've had to have in my life, so it's not something that I can necessarily avoid forever, right? So you try to focus on it a little bit differently, you try to approach it a little bit differently, and the reality is not everybody is going to be okay with it. So it doesn't mean that you have to shift and go back to the way you've been doing things before. You don't have to. They're gonna have to adjust. And that is the reality of your uh new approach on your communication. I think one thing to note is that healthy communication, uh, it really should improve relationships, especially when uh you guys talk about things. And again, I'm not just talking romantic stuff, I'm talking, you know, oh, across the board. Um also I think it will reveal relationships that perhaps you need to have a question mark above, like the one I was just telling you about. I've avoiding being uh interacting, I should say. I avoid interacting on uh a regular basis. I I interact when I need to, and that is where I've come with it. Now, is that the right response? For me, it works, you know, because I can be thoughtful about what I'm doing, I can be thoughtful about what I'm saying, but it's very deliberate on my part because I don't want to be in a divisive conversation with people all the time. And I but I want to be able to convey my thoughts and be able to have a voice. We all want to be able to have a voice, and some people don't like that, you know? So tough shit. They don't like it. You just have to make sure the way you're conveying it is a way that you would receive it. And um you know, then you know you're comfortable with what you're saying and how you're saying it. No blaming, no um always is and never's, you know, that that kind of thing. Confidence is not about saying everything perfectly. Confidence is about saying what's true for you. And some of you might be kind of new to that. Even if your voice shakes a little, even if you're feeling unnerved, uh it's okay. It's okay because these are things that are kind of new to you, but you will feel so much better if you are in a position where you convey the message the way you want and someone receives it right. It even might feel uncomfortable at first, and that's okay. Confidence isn't about the absence of your voice, it's about understanding that there's going to be times when your confidence is going to have to take over in situations that are uncomfortable. So here's the weekly spicy challenge, ladies. It's I'd love for you to DM me if you have questions on this or want to chat about it. Uh, but I want you to have one honest conversation this week. Just one. I mean, you can have more than one, but just one for the purposes of kind of testing some of these things out that we're talking about. Just one moment where you express exactly what your thought process is. Maybe it's something that's been on your mind for a while. Maybe it's something that's really been dragging you down or that you've been avoiding because you don't want to deal with it. My gosh, how many of us have stuff like that in our lives? But maybe it's just a tiny little boundary and you have to establish what it is. Or maybe you're declining something and you're not overexplaining yourself. That's progress, you guys. That's total progress. And I I mean, I feel like I'm a pretty confident person in most aspects of my life. And I do all this shit too. It's like I overexplain, like I was saying earlier, or, you know, I avoid things just like before. We're not all perfect in all of this, and we're kind of works in progress when it comes to communication. And honestly, this is probably one of the hardest things to master or to feel like you've got a good grip on because you're dealing with so many different people and so many different personalities and so many emotions. And not everybody gets you. Not everybody's gonna understand where you're coming from. Not everybody is gonna think you have a valid point because you're emotional with the way you convey your message. So those are just all things to kind of think about. But this week, just try. Just try to have one honest conversation with somebody who um you've been avoiding having that conversation with and see what happens. You might be pleasantly surprised. So I wanted to let you guys know uh next week we have one last chapter that we're going to be talking about. It's the next chapter. It's gonna be, you know, just kind of wrapping up this little spicy mini-series that we have. Uh, we are on all the socials and um YouTube as well. And I just want to thank you all for hanging out and spending time with me here as we wait for Michelle to come back. I've really enjoyed having, you know, a little bit of uh time with all of you to just say what I'm saying, but it's different than having banter and conversations back and forth. But this is good stuff, it's really stuff that we need to be paying attention to and hearing on a regular basis because it's all part of our growth and it's all part of really helping us be healthy, happy, you know, individuals and um living really positive lives. So, with all that in mind, thank you so much for being here today with me. And I hope you all stay freaking spicy and uh we'll see you next week.