59. Dating After Divorce- Midlife Edition

#DatingAfterDivorce #MidlifeWomen #SpicyConfidence

Dating after divorce isn't easy especially when you're a midlife woman stepping back into the dating world after years (or decades) of marriage. In this episode, we get real about the fear, the healing, the red flags, and everything nobody tells you about dating in your 40s and 50s.

From dealing with emotionally unavailable people, to spotting love bombing, ghosting, situationships, and the #1 red flag that ruins relationships we're breaking it all down with real talk, real stories, and real advice for spicy midlife women ready to date with confidence.

✨ WHAT YOU LEARN IN THIS EPISODE:
✔️ Why dating after divorce feels like starting from scratch (and how to navigate it)
✔️ How to protect your heart without building unhealthy walls
✔️ The difference between dating from curiosity vs. desperation
✔️ How to spot emotionally unavailable partners early
✔️ Love bombing, ghosting, FWBs & situationships — explained
✔️ The #1 red flag that means it's time to walk away
✔️ How to keep your identity and life while dating someone new
✔️ Questions to ask yourself after every date
✔️ Why "the one" isn't the goal finding YOURSELF is

⏱️ TIMESTAMPS:
00:00 – Intro: Episode 59, Dating After Divorce
01:29 – Dating after divorce: flip phone to smartphone
02:57 – The fear of opening your heart again
04:52 – It's not about finding "the one"
06:00 – Why midlife dating isn't "piece of cake"
08:12 – Protecting your heart after betrayal & infidelity
11:01 – Falling for emotionally unavailable people
14:48 – Biggest shock about modern dating
16:34 – Situationships, ghosting & ghosting culture
16:51 – FWB (Friends With Benefits) explained
19:15 – Tip 1: Date from curiosity, not desperation
20:36 – Ignoring red flags = dating from desperation
27:28 – Assess, don't impress
28:00 – Love bombing: the ultimate red flag
29:25 – Tip 2: Keep your life while building a relationship
34:43 – Dating intentionally after divorce
35:30 – Tip 3: The mindset shift you NEED for confidence
38:25 – Would you rather get ghosted or hear brutal honesty?
39:19 – Coffee date or dinner date?
40:24 – Marco Polo app for dating communication
41:26 – The #1 biggest red flag: lack of consistency
43:15 – Final thoughts + our Spicy Confidence Coaching Program

💋 Struggling with dating after divorce or stepping into your confidence as a midlife woman? We offer 1-on-1 Spicy Confidence Coaching tailored to YOU. Link in bio on all our socials.

👉 Subscribe for weekly episodes on dating, confidence, and stepping into your spicy midlife era.


#DatingAfterDivorce #MidlifeWomen #SpicyConfidence #DivorceRecovery #DatingOver40 #RedFlags #EmotionallyUnavailable #LoveBombing #Ghosting #Situationship #DatingAdvice #GenXWomen #SingleAfterDivorce #ConfidenceAfterDivorce #SelfLoveJourney #DatingTips #ModernDating #WomenEmpowerment #MidlifePodcast #StaySpicy

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Transcript

Coaching Offer And Kickoff

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hey all you midlife women out there, are you ready to step into spicy confidence?

SPEAKER_00 0:04

If the answer is yes, then we have some exciting news to share. We are launching a one-on-one coaching program for midlife women who want to start showing up as the most confident version of themselves and who aren't afraid to go after what they really want.

SPEAKER_02 0:18

This coaching program will help you discover your voice, embrace your desires, and develop your inner confidence so that you can truly live the authentic life you want without holding back.

SPEAKER_00 0:30

There are only three spots available, ladies, so head to the link in the show notes and apply now. Now let's get into the episode. So

Why Dating After Divorce Feels Wild

SPEAKER_00 0:38

we are getting right into it, right, Michelle? Jumping right in. Jumping right in. And we're on a topic that I think is going to be pretty interesting to a lot of ladies out there. We're talking about dating after divorce. Double D's. The different double D. Different double D. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, can we talk about how dating after divorce is almost like going from a flip phone to a smartphone? You're like, you're familiar with you know what's going on, but there's all these new features and you don't have a clue what you're supposed to do. Or maybe like being released into the wild. Yeah. Right? Without an instruction manual or knowing what to do. Well, us Gen Xers were released into the wild long before we had we used to meet people in the wild, you know, or we don't do that anymore.

SPEAKER_02 1:25

Well, we do, but I was gonna say online dating is is kind of wild.

SPEAKER_00 1:29

Yeah, well, and that's a whole nother thing we'll talk about. Actually, we'll talk about that a little bit with this too. I mean, I know you haven't had really any experience with that, but I have, and it's a it's a very interesting topic. So anyway, so you know, we're excited to share some of our thoughts on this topic because both of us have been through divorces after really long marriages, and I I think we have a lot of key points that we from our learnings along the way that we can certainly share with a lot of you, definitely all the mistakes and the craziness and you know, truly learning yourself almost all over again. Part of what we're talking about with being spicy midlife women, you know.

SPEAKER_02 2:12

Well,

Healing First And Relearning Yourself

SPEAKER_02 2:13

the the uh hurt that comes with divorce or you know, a relationship being blindsided, you know, depending on what the circumstances are, um, the thought of opening your heart again, yeah, right, uh, can feel pretty, pretty terrifying. It can, especially if there's walls that have been built and things like that.

SPEAKER_00 2:32

Well, think about it. There's uh like our us, we were young, you know, obviously when we met our uh significant others or husbands, and there's a lot of women out there who have been with the same person for a long time, so they only know what they know. And some people they had never even had sex before they got married. That did that does still happen on occasion, or maybe it did back then. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 2:53

Um, that wasn't us, but I was gonna say it wasn't us, but you know, that you we're just gonna go with that if it happens.

SPEAKER_00 3:01

Yeah. But I do recall, you know, uh going through that divorce process, and obviously you're not really in the right frame of mind to be thinking about a relationship. You're I mean, divorce could be very traumatizing, not only to you, but to your family, to your kids if you have children, or you know, to your your environment, really. It's like learning how to do a lot of things on your own. And it's not that you can't do them, you know, it's more that you are s I mean, I could speak for myself. I was kind of like scared, going, Oh my god, how am I gonna do all these things on my own and eventually date? Because uh and the funny thing is financial, I could hope totally handle myself. I could I was already doing it. Yeah. You were already doing it, right? And so the thought of dating was just like not even in the cards, you know, with me. And I don't know how you felt about it after, you know, going through divorce, but you really have like a lot of healing to do.

SPEAKER_02 4:00

I I think it's important that um I and I I think we're gonna talk about in this episode, but it's not about finding the one. Right. When you think about dating after divorce, it's more about opening up yourself and really diving in and finding out who you are. Uh, because it's probably, you know, it probably hasn't been like that. Probably hasn't been much time to focus on that. So, you know, finding yourself and being open to the idea of love, I think that's more.

SPEAKER_00 4:33

Well, and how you're going about finding the opportunities to meet people that you align with. I mean, you honestly sometimes don't even know what you're aligning with because you don't even know what your own standards or goals are. At least that's kind of what I Well, and it's different than when you were 25.

SPEAKER_02 4:51

Oh my god. Depending on the circumstance, but like for us 25, 30, whatever. You know, when we were dating and then divorced 26 years later, it it dating is gonna be different than it was then.

SPEAKER_00 5:01

Yeah. So I remember thinking to myself when it was when it was time for that, I was like, a piece of cake, I got this, no big deal, you know. Bullshit. Yeah, total, total bullshit. I know that we tell ourselves. Yeah, but and and I was thinking how hard could it be? You know, how hard could it be to meet people? How hard could it be? And you know, I worked in a corporate environment. Obviously, I didn't date people in my corporate environment. I was married the whole time, but uh, and I probably wouldn't have really dated any of the people that I worked with anyway, just because not a good practice to do. But uh then you'd start thinking about when it was time, where are you gonna meet people? And that's where people get women in particular, men too, but they get into this online dating thing thinking, oh my gosh, this is so easy, you know, and that's a whole nother culture in and of itself, which we'll talk about a little bit, but um it's not as black and white as you might think because you're dealing with so many different personality types and the way people communicate. I I have found is just it's staggering the differences in how people communicate. And you would think or don't.

SPEAKER_02 6:05

You would think that dating, just to your point, how you know we're thinking piece of cake, I got this. Um, because we're you know, we're more midlife at that point. Right. When when we were divorced, uh so you have more wisdom, more clarity. But you're also maybe a little bit more like you do have a lot of people. And at the same time, I know, but I'm just saying that's probably why we think that is because you know, we are older, we've been through so much, we have so much more experience and wisdom.

SPEAKER_00 6:34

We got this piece of cake. And then the experience and the wisdom that you've been able to achieve has nothing to do with how you're really interacting with someone on a romantic level.

SPEAKER_02 6:47

Well, and I think too, uh, you know, being older and having more wisdom and more life experiences, it's much different than we were younger. When we're younger, we're dating for, you know, with more hope. Right. Hope and potential. I mean, I think at this point in life that the potential part is still there, but in a different way. Yeah. Right.

SPEAKER_00 7:06

So I don't know. Well, I I think too, if you've come out of a relationship where your heart has been hurt, let's say you've been uh there's infidelity or there's you know a lack of trust, there's been cheating, there has been dishonesty. It is it is something that you have to really give yourself time to figure out and manage how to maneuver through. Because you start protecting. I was gonna say the mindset of protection is gonna be there for sure. Well, and and in in in all fairness, it's like you could potentially be bringing some of those concerns that you had with your previous partner to your potential new partner, and that person doesn't deserve that.

SPEAKER_02 7:46

Right.

SPEAKER_00 7:47

But if there's little inklings of things that they're doing that are kind of raising those flags for you, going, holy shit, this is really feeling similar, you know, you you kind of feel like, oh, I can navigate through that or oh, I can figure that out. And then the more you kind of like somebody, the more you're kind of starting to be intrigued by them, you might start ignoring some of those things or going, maybe I'm overreacting, or you basically gaslight yourself, you know, and and that's all part of the process too, because you're um you're trying to figure out what your uh boundaries are with some of those things, what the standards are, and you're learning about things like ghosting and about people automatically assuming that you are, you know, you're gonna sleep with them. That's a huge one. And you know, there's a lot of women that do, you know, it's like we've we've been in those places where I think in one episode you had said, Oh, I've had escapades. I love how you use the word escapades. I'm like, I have had shenanigans, I've had a lot of shenanigans because I've chosen to have shenanigans to escapades, yeah. But here's the deal I didn't really go into the dating scene when I went into it with the idea that I was gonna have escapades. It was more like my picker was totally off. Like I was picking um people that, you know, obviously you're you're choosing people if you're doing an online type of thing by their looks, right? That's the first thing you're seeing. You don't haven't talked to them, you don't know anything about them, their family, their history, their finances, their criminal record. You don't know any of this shit, right? So you're really basing a lot of your uh perceptions and things off of the conversations that you're having with them. And frankly, people lie a lot. Yeah, you know, and uh they do what they can. Women and men both do this to um to really get someone to uh like them, you know, or be intrigued by them or what have you. And I've learned that the people that I had become more attracted to were really emotionally unavailable people. And so and I was married to someone who's emotionally unavailable.

SPEAKER_02 9:52

So and you're from what I have, you know, seen with you, you uh are really able. I know your picker was off, just like you were talking about, but at the same time, you've really been able to navigate well through um, you know, things like that and recognize I I think too, because we don't want to make the same mistakes.

SPEAKER_00 10:13

No, you're afraid, you're terrified you're gonna make the same mistakes. Yeah. And you think it's gonna be different with someone else. That's come more with time. That's

Online Dating And The Picker Problem

SPEAKER_00 10:21

what I mean. Yeah. I was talking to this gal, she's you know, she's a midlife woman as well, very successful, attractive, well put together woman, and she's experiencing the same things, you know, that we've been talking about today. And which she was funny because she even said, My pickers cut, you know, kind of been off. And and uh, you know, the people that she was choosing, she was choosing maybe for the wrong reasons. And so you would see that the same patterns of things were happening over and over again.

SPEAKER_02 10:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:48

And it was more um, I and I kind of kind of identify with this as you look at something as a challenge. When you're dealing with people that are emotionally unavailable, you think of it as a challenge, you know, and that's not the best approach because you're gonna be disappointed. Nine times out of ten, you're gonna be disappointed. You can't change in how this person is, even though you're really attracted to them, even though you vibe well, even though you get along. I'm I'm talking about someone in particular that Michelle knows about that um, you know, that I I just I liked this person, but he just was not gonna be, he's just he is not emotionally available. And I came to the determination that, you know what, I just need to be okay with that.

SPEAKER_02 11:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:31

You know, and it was it was kind of a hard realization on my part because I was like, God damn it, this guy is so dumb. What's wrong with him, you know? Um, but you know what, he's gonna be dumb and alone. So and you know, still, you know, do his thing. But that's I think how he's gonna live the rest of his life. You can kind of see that now. We're friends and everything, but we you can see it. More power to him, that's the way he's gonna live his life. And I'm totally fine with that. But that's not a person who's necessarily looking for a long-term relationship, you know. And I have not wanted to be in a long-term relationship before because I was just wanting to have fun. Yeah. And so that's one of the things after divorce you're trying to figure out because you, you know, you might crave being in a relationship where, you know, you kind of have this um idealistic view on what it's supposed to look like. You see this shit all over Instagram, you see it on TikTok about how wonderful these, you know, this is what I'm looking for, and someone who does this and someone who does that, and you know, who pays attention or whatever, you know. And it's like, I'm sorry, nobody's like that all the time, you know. So you've got to take the good with the bad. And you have to also understand that you're not always perfect either. You're not bringing perfection to anything. Right. And you might not be someone's cup of tea, and that's okay. Yeah, you know, yeah. But it's trying to figure that out without getting your heart crushed along the way.

SPEAKER_02 12:49

Yeah, you know. Yeah, I mean, I I think being cautious, you know, isn't well, and I think I think we tend to build that fortress around our heart. 100%, right? Yeah. Especially after, you know, you the things you go through with divorce, which is a magnitude of, you know, a bunch of different things for everybody. Um, but what would you say shocked you the most about modern dating, if you will, because it is so different from when we were like dating before we were married.

SPEAKER_00 13:16

I was just thinking it wasn't gonna be a b any big deal. It was like, yeah, I was like, I'm pretty social. Oh my god, no, it wasn't anything like that. And then I also, and this is a very shallow thing I'm gonna like share and like totally tell myself on, is like when you're looking at things from the outside perspective, like the things that I'd be attracted to, those people were not necessarily people that were going to be people that I was gonna be like long-term looking at. They were just pretty, you know. And I had no intention of having a relationship necessarily beyond just like having fun. And so you and I realized that because you know, it's easier in in all fairness to kind of approach things maybe that way so you don't get hurt. So that's kind of a uh a protective way of maybe looking at things and how you're choosing people and you know, all those sorts of things.

SPEAKER_02 14:04

So I think for me, like a few of the things, you know, when we use the word modern, that's just like dating now as opposed to, you know, 40 years ago when you were dating. But it's it's there's there's so many different dynamics that go into dating now. Yeah. With the text messaging, right? The dating apps. There's the tone, you can't tell tone and text messaging. And there's so much more understanding or information, I guess is a better word, around like the whole situation ship relationships. Yeah. And you mentioned it already, ghosting.

SPEAKER_00 14:40

That like who knew what like I had no idea what an FWB was. I remember this girl was telling me this FWB. I'm like, what's that? Friends with benefits. I'm like, what's that? What's that? Let's talk about that, you know. Um, yeah, but it was a very, it's a very common term. You know, now it's kind of called situationship, friendship, benefits, whatever, you know, it's kind of the same thing. But um, you know, these are as a as a woman, it's like you can make a choice to be in those types of situations on your own terms if you want. If you're not interested in anything that is uh long term or where you're you know getting deep with somebody, it works well to meet your needs, right? And you can be friends with these people, that's why they call it friends with benefits, but these aren't people you're probably hanging out with. Right. You know, it's just more, you know, have having fun, exactly. And so when friends with the bennies, friends with the bennies, exactly. But there's other there's there's different layers to that too. I mean, if you have a friend you have a friend with benefits, do they have benefits with other people too? And then of course, but see that's the thing where I would be like, I don't it kind of grosses me out to think about them like sleeping with other people and I I know you're protected and all that stuff, but it just it kind of like gave me the creeps a little bit, just made me feel like you. I and it's not like I'm saying, oh, I'm not special enough to be their only friends with benefits. That's not it at all. It was just more kind of like it's a casual thing, right? Right. So obviously with a casual thing, you're gonna be casual, but I would never and that's just me. Yeah, I would never be going out and having multiple people that I was sleeping with. I just wouldn't. I just think that would be weird for me, you know. But I mean, men are.

SPEAKER_02 16:18

Well, I I mean, I think right there in with what you're saying, uh there's so many aspects to this uh topic could be so much information, but um uh to to what you're saying, there's um, you know, communication is huge when you're navigating some of these waters when it comes to dating.

Curiosity Dating And Spotting Red Flags

SPEAKER_02 16:40

So let's talk about some some maybe just a few tips in regard to this. Um, first one being, you know, the reasons you're dating, you know, doing it from um a a level of curiosity as opposed to desperation, right?

SPEAKER_00 16:56

I think would be one. And I see that there's definitely and I I've seen this with women, but more I would say with men, where you know, they automatically are back like they're on the dating apps. It's like they just got broke up with their girlfriend or their wife or whatever, or they're even just separated. Yeah. And they're back on they're on dating apps and they're meeting other people, and it's like they haven't done any of the evaluation or work on what got them to that place to begin with. Yeah. I mean, I think women are like that too. Yeah. I mean, but maybe not, I mean, just my from my experience, it wasn't like something where I went immediately into those things, you know, because I mean, and I would have to say that that is definitely, you know, a a point here in regard to dating, you know, and not doing it out of desperation.

SPEAKER_02 17:42

Really, because that does seem a bit desperate when you do that, jumping right back into after, you know, yeah, maybe you know, toying around with one relationship and just continually diving back in and continually diving back in and continually diving back in, right?

SPEAKER_00 18:00

Call it a like a serial monogamous. Yeah, I've heard people say that before. Where they they are relationship people. Yeah. And I think just so in trying to understand it, it's like, you know, people that are relationship people, they don't they just don't like do well on their own. I think we put too much pressure on ourselves.

SPEAKER_02 18:19

You know, if you're yeah, just like you know, go about it from a place of information, right? And finding things out about somebody. Um, and I think some of the some of the red flags, if you are dating, intentionally think about some of these things when it comes to desperation, like Julie was talking about already, like ignoring red flags. Yeah. You know, if you start ignoring red flags, that's kind of you know, pushing it to the side and and that can be a sign of dating from desperation.

SPEAKER_00 18:51

So one have you run across any red flags before you were in a relationship that you know just that you you now you know are red flags. Say that again. Like there's red flags I didn't know they were red flags before, and now I know it's a red flag.

SPEAKER_02 19:04

Well, and I think that's part of the dating process is is recognizing and understanding, you know, because a red flag for one person might not be a red flag for somebody else. We all I guess it depends on the depends on what your standards are. We all have different levels of yeah, acceptance, uh life experiences, and so it's gonna look really different. But in general, whatever the red flags are, you have to identify those based on your situation, based on the things that you've gone through, based on the things that you will, you know, accept or not accept.

SPEAKER_03 19:35

Right.

SPEAKER_02 19:36

And if you are accepting things that you don't want to accept, there you go. That's a red flag.

SPEAKER_00 19:42

Yeah. Well, you're you're performing the red flag. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. And but and but some of that too is kind of learning. It's like what you're are you giving someone the benefit of the doubt? Are you uh making excuses for them? Are you uh feeling like, gosh, maybe I'm over, maybe I'm being overbearing. I mean, literally, it's like you start really second guessing yourself if you feel like you're being too rigid with the things that you're yeah focusing on. But I've come to learn that those things are in place to protect you, and not in a way to where your heart's completely protected and you can't have, you know, a relationship with someone, but it's like you're seeing these things and it's like, thank you next. It's like, because I'm telling you, it's like there's way more of that out there than there is not. You know, finding that uh needle in a haystack person um is it it's it's very difficult, I think, to find someone who you completely connect with. I mean, nobody is going to be 100% connected on every single level. That's kind of what makes it interesting.

SPEAKER_02 20:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:43

But when it's things about like consistency with their behavior, consistency with their communication, a lot of it, you know, is related to texting as an example. Um, you know, if you're if you're feeling some kind of way about it, then you know, you're right. Yeah. You know, you're absolutely right. But then you have to kind of look back and say, okay, where am I with this person? Have I even spent any time with them? Have I been out for a cup of coffee? And it's like I don't have expectations of them in any capacity because they don't owe me shit, you know. I don't know them anything, they don't owe me anything. And so if you kind of keep it on that level, then it's it's easy to see, it's easier, I should say, to see kind of the bigger picture.

SPEAKER_02 21:27

Well, I think and if you truly are um, you know, dating and having a curiosity aspect to it, right? Um, you're asking, you know, after you've been out with somebody, you know, ask yourself some questions. Yeah. Or did were you asking questions while you were out on the date? Were you staying present while you were with that person?

SPEAKER_00 21:48

Sometimes people feel like they're getting interviewed. Yeah. So it's like question asking things. Yeah. They that uh it it almost feels like kind of like a form I don't know. Formal interview or what have you. It just feels funny. You have to let it unfold naturally. Yeah. I think that's super important. Whatever that looks like. But you can tell what's really important to somebody by the questions they're asking, too.

SPEAKER_02 22:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:10

You know, if you know, they do you have children? Do you want to have children? Do you, you know, what kind of work do you do? That's a that's a big one that, you know, I know a lot of those questions like on a first date. I think it just depends on I think it just depends on the interaction. Yeah, and the unfolding naturally. Right. If I I mean if I'm seeing somebody or potentially seeing so here's a great example seeing somebody who wants to have children, then I'm not gonna see that person anymore because I'm not gonna have any more kids unless they want my kids, which in which case are not those kids anymore.

SPEAKER_02 22:42

To consider. Yeah. So not only the question asking while you're on the date from a curiosity perspective, but also asking yourself questions after the date. How did I feel when I was with that person? Did I feel comfortable? You know, did I enjoy like I've been on different dates before, and you're like, How did it go? And I'm like, she's nice. And she goes, But were you being yourself? Like, were you being yourself while you're with the person? Things, things like that. And do you want to see him again? Am I looking forward to another date? It's a chemistry thing with me.

SPEAKER_00 23:11

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which is is something that could really get you in trouble though, too. Because if that's all you're basing things on, I mean obviously you have to have chemistry with the person, but chemistry fades over time. You have a connection with them that you build, you know, it's kind of like developing a foundation, you know, if this person is someone you want to invest in and spend time with. Um, but I've found that uh asking yourself some of these questions and going, would I be interested in seeing that person again? Yeah, I kind of want to get to know them a little bit better, especially if you see that they're making an effort to, you know, have a nice time or to choose the place and they're on time and they're, you know, they dress nice for whatever it is that you're doing. They're making an effort, you know. I have a lot of uh appreciation, I I guess you could say, for for men that are like that. And then there's plenty that are not like that, you know, or they're rolling in, haven't taken a shower. I'm just like, dude, seriously, you know, you just like I'm done. Or like I remember going one time and the guy was actually nice. I I was on time, he was late, and I was okay with it because he messaged me to let me know. The guy was like 30 minutes late, and I was pissed. At that point, I'm just like, you know what, let's I'm not doing this anymore. Because it's not it's not very respectful of your time, you know, for whatever reason that this person was late and I left and I left and he was really upset that I left and was like, you could have waited. And I'm like, no, I'm not waiting any longer. I mean, no, you know, you haven't even met me yet. This is not a great and first impression. So is that is that me being ridiculous? No, I don't think so. I'm a busy person and wasn't meant to be, you know.

SPEAKER_02 24:47

Well, and I think too, that's a great example as wrapping up this first thing we're talking about, as far as curiosity dating from that perspective and not desperation. Um, I think the point of all of that is to um you know, your job isn't to really impress them. Right. It's more to assess. Yeah. And being yourself, you know. And that's what I mean. Just like be yourself. Don't go out of your way to try to impress. Right. Just be who you are, you know, and then assess who they are through some of those things.

SPEAKER_00 25:18

Like how open they are with their things they're talking to you about, or um you you don't really get into a lot of the deep stuff, I don't think, right away, at least I don't, because I feel like you really want to see if you vibe with that person, but you know, you run across people that are love bombing you. They're just like, you know, the love bombing thing is frightening in a lot of respects because it seems really great on the outside, but give it four or five months, and it's like they're a different person, yeah, most of the time. Yeah. I can remember a friend of ours dating this one guy, good-looking guy, and uh, you know, he was well put together and the whole bit. He sent her before they'd even met over 50 pictures, like just bombing her, bombing her, bombing her to these pictures. And then calling her and like, you know, um doing FaceTime videos, but he's walking around doing other things. It just was just cute. Yeah, you know, the whole thing. She did not last long with that one. I think she maybe went out with him once or twice and that was it. But clearly this person had a had a very different interpretation on what was okay to do. Yeah. And um, the love bond, I've never seen anything like that. Literally all at once. Bam, bam. You might as well just send him a the folder, like an access to one of your folders on your phone or something. Just have probably had them all set up in a folder, you know. You can send sending to different women. Um anyway, so let's talk about the next tip. Um keeping

Keep Your Life While You Date

SPEAKER_00 26:39

your life while you're building a relationship, if that's what you're choosing to do. I think especially right after divorce, the most important thing you can do is take care of yourself. Yeah. Not just uh physically by, you know, getting what the food you need, getting the exercise you need, and sleep and all that, you know, that kind of stuff, but emotionally taking care of yourself too, because you've been through something, whether it was amicable or not, that there's a lot of things to process and unpack. And it doesn't mean that you have to go to a therapist to do it, but there's root causes of a lot of the shit that's happened, right? Yeah, and it's not always the other person's complete problem. There's reasons why things, and you I guess we have a tendency sometimes not to take ownership of the things that maybe brought us to the point of the divorce. Everybody, there's two that play this game, right? Where there's two of us that takes two to tango. So you got to understand what your commitment to that is. Yeah. And and it took me a while to figure a lot of that stuff out. I certainly wasn't perfect, but I was big, I mean, I was such a whiner really about a lot of it. I was just like, all I could really focus on was everything that was making me so unhappy, not really what I was contributing to making it unhappy, you know? Yeah. So it's important to really evaluate those things.

SPEAKER_02 27:53

And then uh I think because too, you know, we spend so many years in our case, anyways, because we were married for 26 years, taking care of other people, taking care of the family, taking care of everybody else, and trying to balance it all, losing ourselves in that. So, you know, fast forward, we go through all the shit, now we're divorced, we're diving into dating, and maybe you have somebody that's giving you all this time and attention. Attention, yeah. And, you know, it's it would be easy to just move right on into that and you know, let yourself be showered by something like that. Um, but you you you really have to be careful with that. And I think to Julie's point, I agree. It is so important to focus on yourself and give yourself time before moving into something like that. You can date, of course. Uh sure, whatever you want to do. But if you're doing it, just keep your life while you're doing that and make sure to make yourself a priority. That that's my my point.

SPEAKER_00 28:57

Um and I I did that. I I mean it was a good six months later, but I jumped into a long-term relationship. I mean, a lot of it had to do with I'd been in a marriage, but I really was kind of like not in a relationship, if you you know what I mean. It's like I was married, but I was kind of single. I was doing most everything on my own. And so jumping into that was kind of like being in a relationship. We were doing stuff together, we were having fun, we were doing, you know, whatever. But I was so naive. I was so naive. And I remember I remember him saying he was like, Are you sure you don't want to date? Probably because he was cheating. That was a whole nother story. But it's like he was sure you don't want to like date people. And I'm like, No, I really had no desire to be dating other people. It's like not really understanding or knowing what that meant. Yeah. Um, but I I would say with um with the schedules and the dating and stuff after you get divorced, don't be that girl that drops your friends when they meet somebody because that is so not cool. And I mean, I know there's women out there that do that, and we all kind of appreciate the fact that you know they're happy and they're in this relationship, but it's like your friends have to take some priority too, or the people that are important in your life, friends, family, whatever.

SPEAKER_02 30:09

Well, I I just think it's everything. You know, if you if you start dating somebody and uh, you know, they really should be supporting your life and not replacing things, not replacing your uh uh fitness routines, whatever those are are, not replacing your friends, not replacing your family and the activities, you know, that you did with those things, the personal growth that you're trying to focus on, all those things that are so important after divorce. Yes. Um, if if you're dating, if you are, you know, in a relationship and exploring those waters, you know, a healthy person will support those things and not try to replace them.

SPEAKER_00 30:48

And that's it's not to say that you, I mean, maybe you didn't do anything with your spouse, you know, for the last few years and now you're doing everything with this other person. You have to have your own identity. Yeah, you have to identify what works for you.

SPEAKER_02 31:00

Well, they should add to your life. Exactly. They should add to whatever it is you got going on and not become all of it, if that makes sense, you know.

SPEAKER_00 31:08

Yeah, I think as you kind of move through the healing process on divorce as well, you know, you'll start to learn that you're going to trust your instincts a little bit more. And you're going to be okay with some of the things that you used to say yes to, saying no to. Yeah. You know, whatever, whatever those like anything might be. Yeah. Yeah. And I I think it's really important to know that. I I have actually um, and I really haven't dated very much in the last, I don't know, year and a half, two years, very purposefully on my part, because I have been, and I've used this word much more intentional with what I'm doing and the people that I'm choosing to spend time with. Because I, I mean, I've had my fun and I'm I could still have fun, whatever, but really that's not where my direction is gonna go in the future. If I'm gonna invest time in somebody, I want it to be meaningful and fun, obviously at the same time, but I want it to be aligned with where I feel like my life is headed. Yeah. And not saying that I want my life to be, you know, enveloped into someone else's, but if it's meant to be, it'll happen. Yeah is kind of how I look at it. And so I so when you're dating intentionally, you're really not dating every other week, at least for me. It's like I I'm not like going out with people constantly. And I think conf confidence really comes from that.

SPEAKER_02 32:24

Yeah. You know, having the confidence to trust yourself with, you know, those decisions and how you're spending your time, the people you're spending them with, um, you know, all of those things. Um, you know, I think it's important to realize that with dating, the at this point, especially after divorce, there's a mindset shift that is, I think, necessary. And

Trust Yourself More Than Outcomes

SPEAKER_02 32:49

um, you know, we have to stop asking questions like, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if this doesn't work out? What if they cheat on me?

SPEAKER_00 32:55

What if they, you know, you're operating from a a position of insecurity.

SPEAKER_02 33:01

You don't want to well, and you don't want to get hurt again. Right.

SPEAKER_00 33:03

That's what is all the all of all of those things. Yeah. So the so the flip side of that is ask yourself all those questions or getting into a position where you think it could potentially happen and then bailing. And that's another, that's another, you know, kind of way to uh approach it, which is not healthy really either.

SPEAKER_02 33:19

But think about and this is the the third tip we we didn't point out specifically, but it's trusting yourself more than trusting what the outcome is with the dating and you know, all those fear factors that we just talked about. Try replacing those with, you know, the things that you have done. You survived the divorce. Yeah, right. You survived the heartbreak, you survived disappointment. You are probably finding that you're stronger than you ever thought you would be or could be, or ever thought you would have to be, right? That that's how it was for me.

SPEAKER_00 33:53

Um and you can take a lot of that stuff that you're learning and you can take it into your future. Your trajectory is much brighter, you know, when when you start thinking of yourself being the own your foundation. And then, you know, if you're adding to that by dating, then great, you know, or by being in a relationship, great. But it's like if that person is detracting from where you feel like you need to be or where your happiness lies, it's such a precious thing, you know, because when you're getting out of divorce, you're not happy. Typically, you're not getting divorced and being happy, right? You're probably feeling some relief uh to some degree, but there's so many things that go along with it that are just aftermath of divorce. Usually it's not like divorce, give them a hug, see ya. It's not like that. You know, you've got children you're dealing with, you've got finances, those are always huge that you've got to do.

SPEAKER_02 34:44

There's no guarantee you won't get hurt again. No. There is no guarantee that you won't get hurt again. Um, and I think the goal and the important thing to remember is that you will be okay even if you do. Even if you do, you'll be okay because of all the things that we just talked about that you have, you know, gone through and made it through already, right?

SPEAKER_00 35:04

So let me ask you a couple questions here. So

Ghosting Honest Feedback And Dealbreakers

SPEAKER_00 35:07

it's like going through the whole dating thing, if you're thinking about it. Um, would you rather get ghosted or receive brutal honesty from somebody? Receive brutal honesty. Okay. I probably wouldn't like it. I mean, they could still be kind of that's what I would want. But I mean, I've I mean I've said that to people. But you're left to wonder too many things. Well, I know. It's like, did I did I touch it? And then you you do start asking questions. It's like, okay, is I just what the heck happened? Yeah. And I'm always curious about things like that, but they they do happen. Um, but I think that as really strong women, you know, it's like maybe another approach would be, you know, you just say, Hey, you know what, I really enjoyed spending time with you, but I just don't feel the vibe, you know. And I I wish you all the best. Yeah. It's much easier, I think, to kind of just be out with it. Yeah. It's not like you're trying to be unkind or anything. You just don't want to waste somebody's time.

SPEAKER_02 35:58

No question marks, no blank pages, nothing left to wonder. It just is what it is. Yeah. And uh say lovely. There you go. Coffee date or dinner date? Dinner date.

SPEAKER_00 36:07

Really? See, I'm s I would prefer to go to coffee first. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:10

No, dinner. Yeah. I mean, I guess coffee would is kind of like, you know, the appetizer of dating. Yeah. If if you could compare, but you know, it's all about how much time you're spending, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:20

Yeah. Uh okay. Any others here? Let's see. Let me ask you one. Okay. Uh, younger man or older man? I think it depends on the man. Older man with a youthful, you know, disposition, then I'd probably be fine with it. But I'm I probably would end up going younger, honestly. Okay, what about this? Texting all day or phone calls? God, I'd I'd I'd rather text and then just like have a phone call. Yeah. It's so funny. By the time I get home, I'm just like, I this is my time, you know. I don't want to be spending all my time. And that's that's the thing. It's like if it was someone that I was really wanting to spend time with, then maybe I wouldn't feel that way.

SPEAKER_02 36:56

We're mo we're Marco Polo people. Yeah. Also, if you've never heard of the Marco Polo app, it's like a really great video chat app. It's a Gen X app. Yeah, it's it's for old people, but I I find it I'm in a long distance relationship, have been for 10 years, and it's been a a game changer for us. Um It's like video text. Yeah, video texting, but you you can see the facial expressions, you can hear the tone of voice, so there's really no guessing of what you're I love Marco Polo. Shill and I use it all the time. Yeah, side note there.

SPEAKER_00 37:24

What what about this dating app or being set up by friends? Depends on the friend. Because I mean, I have one friend, Mary, who's always trying to and I'm just looking at her going, Who why in the world? That is true. Probably not the best question for you. Yeah, why why in the world would you think, knowing me, that that would be something that's no, you know. So I just I there's nobody I even know that I would allow to set me up.

SPEAKER_01 37:48

Yeah, anybody.

SPEAKER_02 37:49

Have you ever have you been on a blind date since you've been dating? Like post-divorce? I don't think so. I don't think I've ever been on a blind date ever in my entire life. Yeah. Interestingly enough. Anyways, what would you say the biggest red flag is? That's a good one.

SPEAKER_00 38:04

I would say consist lack of consistency. Yeah, and just dis you know, just lack of consistency. Uh-huh. No effort.

SPEAKER_02 38:13

It's just like I And there's a lot of things that could surround that in so many different areas. So I mean how many excuses are you gonna make? That's what I mean. Overarching. I I think that's those are yeah, those cover a lot of ground. Yeah. Lack of consistency.

SPEAKER_00 38:27

I mean, I think there's definitely people that have things our life happens, right? Yeah. So if something happens, then you know, you gotta give people a little bit of uh grace sometimes, but it takes two seconds to send a text message and say, Hey, something's come up. Can we reschedule for later this week or something like that instead of just not doing anything? Yeah, I just I will I will not even entertain shit like that. That's just bullshit. And a lot of like we were saying before, you know, I don't really have expectations when I'm when I'm dating, right? Because my expectations are mine, they they're not that person's. And so I think it's more about your standards, like the things that are important to you. And if these people don't exhibit those things that are important to you, then they probably aren't the right people for you.

SPEAKER_02 39:15

And and you don't have to like be this free spirit overnight. Yeah, right? Give yourself some grace. Um, open your heart, but like Julie said, keep your standards. I think that's super important.

SPEAKER_00 39:25

And it takes a while to figure that out. And we all say, Oh, I don't want my standards. Be safe. It's easy to say that. Way easier to say. So anyway, this was like a good conversation about this.

SPEAKER_02 39:34

This

Coaching Program And Closing

SPEAKER_02 39:35

was a good conversation, a little bit longer of an episode than we're typically doing. So much a lot into it.

SPEAKER_00 39:41

Yeah, there's so much around this topic for women, you know, midlife women, women who are wanting to be spicy, women are trying to figure out their place in life and what brings them joy in terms of relationships. So we hope this has been um a positive, you know, listen for you.

SPEAKER_02 39:58

Definitely something that uh, you know, women out there, we have a one-on-one coaching program that we offer. And uh, we're currently taking clients. Um, the uh link to find out more information is in all the bios on our socials. And, you know, dating post-divorce and is really is part of being a confident, spicy midlife woman and stepping into the confidence at that time in life. So if it's something you feel like you need help with, this is definitely something we can do in our coaching program because we tailor the needs to what it is you are wanting in midlife in regard to confidence. We tailor the program to you, right? So, based on you know, information that we get. So definitely go check it out. It's stepping into spicy confidence. And we love being able to do this with women. So definitely check it out. We're on all the socials. You don't have to be divorced to be a spicy man divorced. That's right. We're I'm just saying this is something that we could tailor to you if if this is something that you know you're struggling with. But we're out on all the socials, so go check it out. Link is in the bio. Um, you can see the merch that we have um as well as the coaching program. And if you head on over to YouTube, you can subscribe and watch us by video and in person.

SPEAKER_00 41:14

So until next week. Yeah, thank you so much. Oh, there's sun shining in my face here. Stay spicy.